 Photo of tall bins of dried legumes at a market. From v2osk on Unsplash. How we do put things in categories It’s as if we human beings can’t make sense of life unless we think and talk and dream and plot & scheme in terms of separate realms of life that we can name. For example:
Florence Scovel Shinn, author of The Game of Life and How to Play It, posited four squares of life: 1) health, 2) wealth, 3) love, and 4) perfect self-expression. There are many ways to slice the pie. Sometimes, I find myself pointing out to a client that the Universe doesn’t care about realms of life. Ultimately, it’s all your one life. We slice it up into (and fixate on) the categories to manage it all and to sort through it mentally and conversationally. And why do I feel the need to point that out? Why does that even matter? It matters in a huge and perhaps surprising way. When you fixate on a category that’s wobbly, thorny, painful, baffling—problematic in any way--you feel bad. Then, perhaps, you tend to focus on how bad you feel about it, and you keep it in view mentally so you don’t lose track of this problem you need to solve. You put what’s not working under the microscopic, so it takes up your whole field of vision and determines your feeling state. Familiar? Quick LOA review In Law of Attraction (LOA) terms, you’re now a match for the problem, not the solution. You’re pointing at what you don’t want—whereas the advice for harnessing the power of LOA (which, like gravity, is operative whether you use it to your advantage or not) is to point at, or keep the focus on, what you DO want. Remember, what you focus on expands. The feeling state you’re cultivating determines what you’re calling in. And since what you point toward also establishes the direction you’re heading, then when you fixate on a currently (or chronically) dissatisfying life category, you’re pointing toward what you don’t want—and building momentum in the wrong direction, propelling yourself toward the unwanted. Applying this to life categories Let’s say your love life isn’t to your liking and your brow furrows and your heart feels heavy when you think about it; whereas other realms of life are going pretty well. Maybe work is really humming along and your home has never felt more welcoming and containing and aligned with your aesthetic. How does it benefit you that the Universe doesn’t care about categories? You can actually make your life better by looking away from your love life. GET OFF THE TOPIC of the problematic category. For those of you already objecting, I’m not saying never think about it. I’m not saying don’t sit with it in a clear state and with an open mind to invite inspiration and right action. But that's not what most of us do with the thing that isn’t going great for us. Typically, we ruminate, or get in our heads about it, and focus on it in tense & straining, discouraged & disempowered ways. We grip the problem (or wrestle it to the ground, as Abraham-Hicks says) and either force solutions or brood about the complexity & perhaps hopelessness of the whole thing. Again, this makes us a match to the problem, not the solution. We’re contracted and unhappy, and (you know the difference viscerally, right?) not relaxed, trusting life, open to the multiple solutions that want to come in—never mind what we do or don’t see here and now. So what if you gave relaxed, appreciative, even joyful attention instead to what’s going well? As you focus on what you feel good about, the multiple areas in your life where things are easy & running smoothly, the areas of success and flow, the stuff that satisfies and generates new ideas & creative impulses … then you become a match for more of that. You invite more of that (watch for more of that, notice more of that, generate more of that).  Photo of a colorful outdoor market, with areas of flowers, baskets, and clothing visible. From Roberto Carlos Román Don on Unsplash. Then what about the category that’s not going great? As you keep the realms of life that are going well in view, and focus there, and thus build your predominant feeling state from there (i.e., you feel good more & most of the time), then the Universe, or LOA, is happy to flow that over to any specific category, because CATEGORIES DON’T MATTER. (I could almost say they’re not real.) It’s really all you. So imagine what happens with the hard stuff when WHO YOU ARE is the happy, relaxed, trusting one who generally feels great about your life. I invite you to literally imagine it. To think back to when you’ve felt that way. To take in others around you who live that way. Make this as real to yourself as you can, mentally, so that you’re more likely to live into it in the practical day-to-day of it. But what about DEALING WITH what’s not going right? Well, again, NO RUMINATING. (That puts you in ongoing focus on problems and robs you of presence. It keeps you from enjoying what’s going well and optimizing what you have the power to control right now. Otherwise stated: it keeps you from loving your beautiful life.) Choose CONSCIOUSLY and well the moments when you do think CLEARLY about the tricky, dissatisfying stuff. Go in when you’ve been focused on the good stuff, so you feel clear and capable and optimistic about things moving forward. Then you’re just sitting down with something to tend in your beautiful life, even if it’s not your favorite thing. You’re simply showing up for yourself when it’s time to pay bills or look something up or go to the appointment or add up numbers or do just one next thing that seems aligned with a sense of possibility. You aim roughly in the right direction and trust your capacity to course-correct. Coming in relaxed and happy and open to inspiration and guidance, you no longer approach this previously problematic category as some impossible puzzle to solve, or an ugly, tangled mess that no comb could ever smooth out, or even something that, in your case, at least, is just beyond hopeless. It matters that categories don’t matter because you can just focus more generally on all you love in life, and then create more of what you love in every single aspect of this one life. See how that works? Are you doing it already sometimes? (Please do bother to take in where you’ve already experienced this! Know that you know this already!) Would you like to do it more and better? I’ve found it to be a marvelous thing for a grand experiment, a worthwhile project, an enjoyable bit of play in stirring up more of what you love. Love & blessings, Jaya Further reading, anyone? I’ve written before about the wisdom & power of getting off the topic. Here’s more on being a match to the problem, not the solution. And here are some anti-rumination bits to check out:
There’s a miraculous little search bar on my website! I’ve also written about course-correcting, feeling good or just feeling better, running grand experiments, following your (very own & unique) guidance system, teaching yourself from what you’ve cleaned up before, and … a whole bunch of stuff to support you in well-being and thriving.
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 Photo of person with long brown hair and outstretched hands shrugging. From Chris on Unsplash. Questions with obvious answers These aren’t worth asking, yet we do ask them or even ask nonverbally. Maybe cut to the chase, and head for that obvious answer?
Questions based on a false binary These typically start on a flawed premise that leaves out a whole lot of possibilities and therefore won’t get you to a useful answer [creative solution, new insight, unexpected next step, brilliant course-correction] anytime soon.
 Photo of a black pug, head tilted with a quizzical expression.Ffrom Charles Deluvio on Unsplash. Questions that take you out of your business Here, you’re asking from a place where you don’t belong, where you actually have no control or agency. You may notice you’re mentally and emotionally exhausting yourself or even being propelled to take fruitless [forced, uninspired, just wrong, …] actions to try to manage what isn’t yours to manage. These questions typically make you feel disempowered, discouraged, or any kind of yuck.
 Black and white photo of a white terracotta garden pot with a spray painted question mark. From Hennie Stander on Unsplash. If you do keep asking questions that don’t serve you, consider what could support a shift and perhaps bring relief, a sense of new possibility, or movement toward freedom and lightness. Skim through the following and linger with what feels relevant: You may want to look at the beliefs underlying the question (beliefs about friendship, relationship, roles, ethics, …). You may believe something different in your current reality or phase of life that hasn’t fully come to light and that it would help to articulate. Or you think you’re operating out of your current belief system when in fact you’re still applying an old belief. (A good grown child does this or that for their parents, whatever the cost to self.) This question may be the equivalent of pointlessly chasing your tail. Put it down and invite a new one, or brainstorm a whole list of questions to support you to think something through more clearly. A question may be brought to you by some old emotional attachment to operating a certain way or playing a certain role that’s all tied up with being safe [being loved, being good, belonging, succeeding, …]. It could help to be in some process (e.g., inquiry, journaling, coaching, therapy) to locate that so you can disconnect what got wired together. (No, you actually would still be safe and possibly safer if you did move away from or have way more boundaries regarding that person or group.) You may be asking yourself something you’ve already made a decision about, so it goes without asking. Unless it’s time to look again for real and possibly make a conscious new decision or renegotiation, you don’t need to go in again for more questioning. (You said you wouldn’t get in the passenger seat when that person is driving. So don’t.)  Photo a white wall with black spray-painted graffiti. There's a simple outline of a face next to the question “What now?” From Tim Mossholder on Unsplash. www.amazon.com/Scooch-Edging-Into-Friendly-Universe/dp/0997740108/ref=sr_1_1?
Some questions are helpful, expansive, empowering, productive. They redirect you to what feels better. They lead to fruitful pondering (not ruminating) and make you feel alive, curious, open-minded, inspired, connected, capable, and more. If you like, find some excellent questions to ask yourself in this blog post: 1 good breath + 1 good question = rumination dissolved! I like the question NOW WHAT? so much that the conclusion of my book, Scooch!: Edging into a Friendly Universe has that for a title. Bumped into a wall? Now what? Just interrupted an old thought pattern? Now what? This puts you in presence, and open to where you actually want to move toward, or just the one next step roughly in the right direction. Love & blessings, Jaya P.S. Who are you to ask yourself crushing questions? Here’s a blog post that invites you to something kinder. |
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