All that ever keeps you from clear parenting
is a thought.

And thoughts can be questioned.

Thoughts can be changed.

Some of the thoughts that get in our way are actually well-intentioned, sound concepts about parenting.
There are so many valid ways to parent. We know we're onto the right way for us when we're operating clearly and lovingly and feel good about the whole thing. When our minds are clear, we know what to do. And what we do may change from one moment to the next, depending on situational factors, the needs of our child, our own needs (and blood-sugar levels, and how much sleep we got last night), and much more. What's possible with a clear mind? What if we could drop our concepts and meet each moment with clarity, trust, and an open heart?

I have a client, Alice, who tyrannized herself with great concepts about giving full emotional attention to her daughter Annika anytime the girl was upset. Annika happens to have an intense, dramatic personality and loves to emote largely, expressively, and often. Because of the parenting philosophy she subscribed to, Alice was obligated (obligated herself) to respond with a certain level of presence that wasn't always honest or realistic. There was no room for her to give any number of other responses that she's now been practicing since she began to question the beautiful concepts that were causing her untold stress. Here are some ways she now responds:

• she excuses herself and walks out of the room;
• she tells her daughter that she's not available;
• she listens for a while then stops listening;
• she listens lovingly but doesn't change her stance or withdraw the no she already gave her;
• she interrupts her daughter and tells her it's not up for renegotiation right now, but they can talk later and she'll listen fully then;
  
• she listens with endless patience, giving her daughter her full emotional attention.
  

So much is possible. Annika still gets a mom who listens to her well (when she honestly can) and now has a much more reliable mom (who can't be manipulated out of a no with a tantrum) and a much happier and patient mom (who doesn't explode out of the blue having given much more than she was honestly able to give).

How do we know when to question a thought, especially when it seems like one worth holding on to?

When it causes us stress. When it leads to confusion instead of clarity. When following its dictate makes us less loving, calm, accepting, patient, or happy.

Some of the thoughts that get in our way are judgments about our child.
When I think, My daughter shouldn't talk to me that way, I'm judging her for how she speaks to me. I'm thinking there's something wrong with her, she's doing something wrong, and this is somehow hurting or violating me. When I drop this story, this doesn't mean I condone or embrace any way she wants to talk to me. We teach other people how we're willing to be treated, and I don't choose to teach my children that they can talk to me like I'm the scum of the earth.

Dropping the thought does, however, mean that I can respond to how she's speaking to me without a judgment clouding things. There's no should in the way, there's no you're wrong. So I can be clear and loving as I let her know what isn't working for me. I point out how she's speaking ("Notice your tone") and I remind her that I don't speak to her that way and don't like being spoken to that way. Depending on the circumstances, I may point out that I'm her ally, that all I'm doing here is trying to help her ____________ (get her needs met, figure out how to do something, be healthy). I may ask her to be still with me here for a moment and start the conversation over. Sometimes I remind her that I've proven myself to be a reasonable human being and tell her that I'd appreciate her approaching this moment with the awareness that I'll listen to her and help her in a way that works for her; and if I'm in any way failing to do that, I'm open to hearing her tell me about that. All of this can come out without venom or stress when I'm not believing I've been violated by how she was speaking to me.

We've had such conversations enough times that I now often offer about one and a half sentences and she's already joined me in a different way, with whatever's really bothering her ready to come out so we can combine forces to address it.

It's the funniest thing: when I believe she shouldn't talk to me that way, I end up talking to her in a way that has nothing to do with love, respect, kindness, connection. I end up talking in a way that makes me think, I shouldn't talk to her that way! (And in this, she agrees with me fully.)

How do we question our thoughts?

I use The Work of Byron Katie for myself and with my clients to question stressful thoughts. Whatever thought keeps you from love, clarity, kindness, acceptance--this qualifies as a stressful thought. The Work is a line of inquiry that uses four basic questions and a turnaround to explore the thought from other directions (for example, looking at how I shouldn't talk to her that way instead of how she shouldn't talk to me that way). Go to my page about The Work of Byron Katie to learn more.

After doing The Work, you may find, as others have,

• that you see many more ways of looking at a situation
• that you're released from the grip of stress and confusion
• that you're kinder and more compassionate, especially to yourself
• that how you operate changes
• that you change your mind--how you think changes
  
• that you keep moving closer to who you want to be

I use The Work of Byron Katie because it works.

"I came to Jaya after a really awful day with my older child, then age 8. I still think of it as the worst day of my life as a parent. I was badly shaken by the events. My son had been out of control and violent, and I was deeply afraid of where were all headed as a family! And was completely at a loss about what to do. From our first conversation, I was SO empowered with ideas, hope, a plan. Beyond that, I felt such compassion and understanding.  And through a series of subsequent sessions, I have to say that things TOTALLY turned around and my son had the very best year of his life! And my work with Jaya was a KEY element, even the most important element, in that process."
-- North Carolina client