APPLYING MY BELIEF SYSTEM

Photo of two adorable German Shepherd dogs, Stevie and Jack.

Storytime

This is the plan I told god (who was apparently laughing the whole time!) (not unkindly, I think—I’m way past believing I’m the butt of cosmic jokes).

The haha plan: August in Hawaii to take care of goats (and 3 cats and a bunch of chickens) for my stepdaughter and her husband, so they could go to the mainland and know their animals were being well cared for. A beautiful opportunity for me to show up for her the way a mom does, plus … me in the tropics for the whole month of August.

Meet the two adorable dawgs I met on my way. During my (according to haha plan) 2-night-1-full-day stay in Las Vegas with the two adorable men who are my bro and bro-in-law. Stevie is on the left (girl Stevie—named after Stevie Nicks), and Jack on the right.

​As I walked w/ bro-in-law and dawgs in a beautiful park the evening before my early flight to Hawaii, Jack—yeah, the BIG one—rammed into me full force at the park. Just pure joyful exuberance, all innocence and play. My knee did something, my ankle did something worse, and my ass landed on the ground. An egg formed on my ankle. My foot refused to walk.

A medical photo of a swollen black and blue foot.

Photo of a foot and ankle wrapped in an Ace bandage, peeking out from jeans that were freshly cut to make it fit.

​I am not in Hawaii. All that I was going to do there I now cannot do. I’m in Las Vegas.

I’m not spending August in Hawaii. I’m spending it in Las Vegas.

When I tell people what’s going on, I open with these instructions: Please don’t say Oh noooooo. (Did you already? TAKE IT BACK!) Please don’t give me pitying looks and tones. Please don’t treat me like a victim and act like something went wrong.

By video call the next day, I sat with my friend Kelli, who had agreed to those terms and whose approach to life is gorgeously compatible with mine. (In fact, we take clients together and have the most fun in three-way collaborations for amazing healing journeys. Here’s the time she and I and our client Lindsay all had a moment rolling our eyes at the patriarchy—condescending men in the workplace—before we got on with unpacking the gifts of her situation.)

​With Kelli, I had a cry about the disappointment and my attachment to what I was being called to let go. More important, we talked about my commitment to applying my belief system here. Fully. Firmly.

I NEVER BELIEVE something shouldn’t be happening, is a problem, or represents me being deprived or somehow squashed or tortured by life.

The mind may suggest any of that. I do not believe it. I do not follow those thoughts. I come back to what I do believe and give that my focus and my curiosity as I show up for the unfolding and the revelation along the way.

I BELIEVE I’m where I’m supposed to be at all times. If that ever feels like too much of a stretch (supposed-to schmosed to), I can always get behind the idea that, wherever I am, whatever’s happening, there’s much to be gained and something that matters for me to show up for; and that this is always for my benefit and the good of all concerned.

If something feels off where I am, I consider it an invitation to course-correct and I head roughly in the right direction, trusting my capacity to keep course-correcting along the way. If I’m guided somewhere and something different happens than what I thought I was going for, I show up for what’s actually happening. All I want to do is apply this.

Kelli was right with me. She understands that there’s nothing incompatible with acknowledging disappointment & grief AND aligning with reality on its terms. (In fact, we were both open to welcoming my tantruming inner two-year-old if she felt the need to come out and make noise, but apparently that wasn’t needed.)

Together we marveled at what happens when you keep applying your belief system everywhere, in the most challenging moments, at every fork in the road or even during/following some crazy freefall. With her, I touched into the awe of what is happening here and now, far beyond the disappointment. If it’s better than Hawaii with goats, this is gonna be really good.

Together we got excited about the mystery of what is going to happen that won’t at all be what I planned, what I foresaw, what I thought was going on back when everything had so simply and effortlessly aligned for the (nope, not to be) trip to Hawaii. That, I can’t possibly know yet.

So far, it looks like an opportunity to laugh a lot and have some pretty profound conversations with my brother (Tommy) and brother-in-law (Rik). I dedicated my book Scooch! to Rik, because he had the most amazing experience of doing jail time for a white-collar crime he had no part in and didn’t know about. He got behind two years behind bars as something to make the best of and get through as gracefully as possible, with the best self-care and the best service mentality in place. He is a remarkable human being, and that is a remarkable example of following your own belief system no matter the circumstances.

I’ve gotten very little time in adulthood with my bro, never mind the two of them. Something really good could happen here. There was some trauma stuff in my family of origin that I feel pretty resolved with. Ah, but my brother. I don’t know so much. He was enough years behind me (and I was distancing from family so much) that I just didn’t get in on a lot of what he went through. And you never know what gross or deeper or subtler bits of healing will arise for a good, compassionate look and some conscious breath. Stay tuned. …

As for my stepdaughter and her husband, they were able to mobilize a community effort with several people stepping in to do various parts of the whole I was going to do (back when, haha, we pictured me tromping around in the muck boots that are still waiting for me). I really love this. They’re getting that don’t-we-all-need-it practice of LETTING people help them, and they’re carrying on with their plan that apparently no god is laughing at.

Nothing has gone wrong. I’m in Las Vegas, hobbling around on crutches, hollering GET DOWN at two dawgs that are great big love bundles who think I’m amazing. (Um, not that this makes me special, but I’ll take it personally anyway.)

Love & blessings, Jaya