Turn those ARROWS of ATTENTION around

Photo of stylized arrows going in different directions on differently colored backgrounds from Roma Kaiuk on Unsplash

Does it kind of irk you when something can still GET you?

Maybe when you’re REACTIVE and you just don’t react so often or in the same way but DAMN, this time it totally grabbed you before you could think to pause?

Or when you go down the rabbit hole that you actually have a whole bunch of tools to avoid in the first place or hop back out of in a hurry? Oh but now you’re in it, and tunneling in ever deeper.

Or when you CANNOT STOP TELLING THE STORY of what’s happening or what happened. Maybe you’re even doing so well in general these days that you’re not even telling it to others—but here it is on a loop inside your own head, this unwanted thing replaying like the worst muzak in the department store you can hardly stand to walk into?

I kind of do have an easy fix for this. And by easy (um, of course), I don’t mean fun. The ego-self or ego-mind (or the part of you who knows you’re right about what you’re right about here) won’t like it one bit. Ready?


TURN THOSE ARROWS OF ATTENTION AROUND.

• Yeah, they said that thing.
• Yeah, how could anyone who professes to love you or get you or give a damn about what you’ve been telling or asking for even begin to go where they went?
• How could anyone with a shred of values or common sense behave this way?
• Yeah, a million people could agree what they did or said was bogus or insensitive or absurd or unloving or just plain stupid.

But all of that has this in common: your arrows of attention are pointed outward.

To state it simply & succinctly (and you know I can go on & on about most anything): This does not serve you.

What would serve you instead? Like really serve you? Like put you on the Fast Train to your Liberation—or if we scale down how grandly that’s phrased, how bout the fast train to getting

• what this situation or character is here to heal?
• what old pattern or tendency of yours is getting activated by their crazy [or fill in whatever they’re embodying or representing for you]?
• what you’re about to meet in yourself that could up your game of life to the next level?

I think you know.

But just for kicks, let’s make it explicit.

Turn those arrows around. Focus on you, not on them. Turn the negative attention you have on them to some positive, kind, healing attention to yourself.

No rush, sweetheart. Maybe first you need to exhaust railing about what’s fucked-up about their behavior or words or tone or cluelessness or whatever-whatever. Maybe you need to scream and stomp and cry and get it out of your body. Maybe you need to listen to your heart outside of that story, but the story is needed right now to keep the emotional reality going long and loud enough—as your heart waits patiently, knowing the story will get you there, maybe in another minute or so. …

When you’re ready, turn those arrows around. Bring them back to you.

Do we even know what this means? Here’s some of what happens when you turn the arrows of attention back to yourself:

• You get to the general (and CORE) story this specific story calls forth (your story of abandonment, of betrayal, of isolation, of failure, of not-good-enough …)
• You go inside and meet that story in the different ways it’s played out for you over time, and you start to deconstruct what it means to you and where you’re stuck (then you can address what actually needs addressing)
• You get more interested in unsticking yourself than in making the other behave properly, or in controlling the situation
• You meet younger versions of you who have been waiting for SOMETHING to bring you back around, because they need you to give them new messages and compassionate attention

MOST IMPORTANT WAY TO WORK THIS CONCEPT: notice your arrows of attention are heading the wrong way, and that all your energy is going there with them!

This is a lot of what I do with people as a coach. I strongly believe we can get it on our own, or in other ways, through many venues and modalities, with many kinds of helpers, good books, etc.

However you want to go about it flipping those arrows, with or without external support, first and foremost, NOTICE they’re aimed outward. Need some clues for what it looks like when arrows of attention point out, not in?

• You’re getting hooked into story details (their tone, their exact words, all the times you TOLD THEM how much this doesn’t work for you, etc.)
• You’re really irked by the person, the people, the situation
• You can’t let it go
• You feel victimized (if only THEY didn’t do this or THIS weren’t happening, you’d be okay—we’re victims when we depend on something out there, that we can’t control, to change; then we’ll be okay)
• You feel stymied (What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I figure this out? What am I doing wrong? … I know that sounds like it’s about you, but it’s about how you feel in response to them—NOT about meeting yourself to heal what the people or situation have brought up for you)

Meet yourself, luv. Be your own cupid and send some love arrows your own way. You’re worth your own attention. (Strategies in linked article for things to do and not do when you're OFF. Be excellent to yourself with these 11 rules!)

Love & blessings, Jaya

The following blog post on the idea to keep creating the life you want as you heal old things follows and builds on the concept of arrows of attention quite nicely..