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THEN DO AND GET MORE OF WHAT YOU LOVE  Photo from below of kids looking down together with awe & wonder from Getty Images on Unsplash. I was wondering what I wanted to do next in the group work I’ve been loving so much. It’s so deeply fulfilling to me on so many levels. So I sat down with pen & paper to find what Abraham-Hicks calls the feeling place. That’s it. That’s all I was seeking to locate. What does this thing I love feel like? (Below, I’ll flag for you what I did NOT begin with—things we typically begin with that keep us stuck.) As with everything I offer you, focus on what this calls up for you about you, even though I’m offering an illustration about me! I invite you to let it remind you of similar or even different things that stir for you when you know you’re right in there doing what you love in the most satisfying way. FEELS LIKE … Feels like I’m in great company—people opted in, dropped in, present, open, engaged Feels like all present are curious, fascinated, excited, eager Feels like recognition & connection Feels like fun, like being in the sandbox, like playing in the magic together Feels like being in love, happy to see every face and all the shifting expressions Feels like wonder, wow, delight Feels like goosebumps, no way, truth better than fiction Feels like I’m learning and teaching at the same time, evolving with my clients Feels like growth, expansion, evolution—mine, theirs, shared Feels like coaching in the dynamic now, responding in the moment to what arises in the moment Feels like being in my zone of genius, at ease, in flow Feels like surety, like knowing what to do or say next Feels like absorption, like there’s nowhere else I’d rather be Feels like wonderful storytelling from different voices Feels real, feels authentic, feels like come-as-you-are Feels like Abraham’s phrase tuned in, tapped in, turned on After I wrote all that out, I was fully connected to those feelings, that feeling place, and ready for the one next thing to do toward what I want to create. Next, I’ll put this process to finding or even appreciating your person for those focused in the dating & relationship sector.  Photo of two cats snuggling on couch from Sigmund on Unsplash. CLICK ON PIC FOR DATING RESOURCES. You know when it feels really right and just works with someone? Even for a while, at times, in the beginning, or the closest you’ve gotten to yet? Or can you imagine what you’re pretty sure it would feel like based on what you’ve learned about what is NOT IT, what you know you don’t want? Feels easy, feels natural, feels unforced Feels spontaneous, unrehearsed, experienced fresh in the moment Feels like recognition, feels like knowing & being known Feels like acceptance, feels spacious, feels welcoming Feels relaxed, feels calm, feels like comfort Feels like letting down, letting go, letting be Feels fun, feels like easy laughter, like hard laughter, like shared secret smiles Feels exciting, animating, activating Feels sparky, feels mutual, feels like a volley of good energy, banter, inspired ideas Feels chosen, feels wanted, feels right Feels like adoring, appreciating, cherishing Feels like being adored, appreciated, cherished Feels like good attention, good mirroring, being seen, being appreciated Feels like mutual admiration Feels like learning, growing, opting in to forays out of the comfort zone Feels like adventure, feels like delight, wonder, awe Feels simple, easy, intuitive, organic, obvious Feels satisfying, feels good, feels like OF COURSE Are you getting it? It’s so wonderfully easy and more helpful than you might think to get you moving in the direction you’d like to go—especially when a lot feels unclear and unformed. If you took in the above feeling statements at all, you probably started to touch into or even really got hold of the feeling place.  Photo of squirrel peaking around tree trunk from Hasse Lossius on Unsplash. This is not where most human beings are taught to begin, so it’s not where we habitually begin—or even get to at all. In fact, we can get stuck early on and shut down possibilities because we begin in all the wrong places:
Also, beware of old labels that represent things you make identity of (conditions, diagnoses, history, tendencies) that in no way represent WHO YOU ARE:
About that last one, do fill in your own Enneagram type, if you’re aware of that construct, and notice how you chalk certain behaviors and mindsets up to that (or any other construct you relate with). Instead, use what you know about your tendencies to recognize and pivot from that autopilot way of seeing & approaching things—which is not WHO YOU ARE and in no way limits what you’re capable of or what you get to experience next. Let’s give a quick nod to WHO DO I THINK I AM? Pointless question whose job is just self-attack. Either answer the question to actually locate who you think you are to alleviate a sense that you have wrong ideas about your journey, wants, preferences, skills, talents; or move away from that question entirely. It’s ridiculously unkind. Notice that nothing in the above bulleted list is an actual concrete, inexorable, intractable aspect of anyone’s identity or even reality, however much they accurately know about themselves, their experiences, or their current conditions. Anything you notice that’s in your way is something to respond to consciously: you can question it (as with The Work of Byron Katie or my short inquiry process); use it to pivot from unwanted to wanted; or respond to with some process to bring forth other and stronger truths that actually align with what you want and support you to head that way (and believe you can do it and you get to have it!). (See the marble game or a focus wheel, both from Abraham-Hicks.) Or book a session with Jaya! One truly effective and crazy-simple process is to FIND THE FEELING PLACE. And do it in witing. It’s more effective that way. Second-best is saying it out loud. Love & blessings, Jaya
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NO PENANCE, NO PUNISHMENT, NO PURGATORY  Photo of withdrawn person with protective palm facing outward from Andriyko Podilnyk on Unsplash. Your worthiness doesn’t fluctuate. That’s the main impression I’d love for this writing to make on you. How deserving you are of happiness & well-being right now doesn’t change from one moment to the next. Your worthiness is never contingent on what you have or haven’t done. Or how well you’ve done it. Or whether you’ve done enough. The Universe is not evaluating & grading you at all times, so if you’re still living as if that’s what’s happening, if you’re still doing that to yourself, I invite you to play with another possibility. I invite you to understand, fully embody, and live into your actual, inherent, unwavering worthiness. Why you might think your worthiness fluctuates You were raised by unhealed people who believed that worthiness varies based on all kinds of things. You grew up in a culture that still holds that as truth. You were subjected, often with the best of intentions, to constant evaluation, reward & punishment, and messages of what you should & shouldn’t do according to others (who didn’t even agree on all the particulars of right & wrong). It makes sense that you thus decided you had to earn your worthiness and that you were constantly at risk of losing it. You did whatever you needed to do in response to that—worked hard & harder, strove to be good, hid things, omitted information, lied outright, defended, rationalized, begged, charmed, fought, fawned, fled, froze. … What (routinely) makes you feel undeserving Whether you believe it a little or a lot, I’m inviting you to notice right now what makes you feel undeserving, what you think can strip you of your inherent deserving of all good things at all times—a worthiness that’s actually never in question and can neither be earned nor unearned. You might think you no longer deserve to feel good, succeed, be loved, or experience well-being of any kind under some of the following conditions:
So what happens when you (inaccurately) think your worthiness has notched down?  Photo of silhouetted person walking under sky at dusk or dawn from Ryunosuke Kikuno on Unsplash. What you do when you feel undeserving It can look a lot of different ways to believe that here & now, you’ve lost your worthiness badge, you’re unworthy, you don’t deserve … Here are some typical ones:
I don’t want you to live this way! Do you? Purgatory pause or self-imposed limbo In summary, you start believing in a punitive Universe again (Do you believe in a punitive Universe?), probably with yourself as the punisher-in-chief. You think you need to be in some sort of limbo for a while, as if you must undergo some purification before you deserve anything in life that rcould be heavenly (like ease, fun, money, fulfilling work; harmonious connections with other sentient beings; feeling healthy or at ease in your body, looking good, liking yourself; getting to work, play, love, and live with people you like and can be fully yourself with; and the list goes on). Wait—is it true that your worthiness doesn’t go up and down? I dunno, seems true to me. It’s a more empowering belief that I think brings out the best in us. And I can’t think of a graph where fluctuating worthiness actually gets charted except in our faulty unexamined belief systems where very old & inaccurate stuff prevails. More important & more relevant to you, I invite you to explore that for yourself. At the School for The Work of Byron Katie (which I attended seems-like-just-yesterday in 2006), Katie asked us, What if you could move without a trace from one moment to the next? She invited us to believe that we could. (And she has always invited folks to run their own experiments, saying, “Don’t just take my word for it.”) You might ask yourself:
Note that moving forward could certainly include a well-placed apology, making amends, paying something back or forward. I’m not saying you need to go into denial about having moments when you don’t prefer how you just felt, behaved, chose, spoke, whatever. We will have such moments as long as we’re alive! I’m definitely saying that you might look at how long you hold yourself as wrong & undeserving and how much this results in your walking around feeling wrong & undeserving a good chunk of your life. I’ve written about swift course-correction before (type it into the search bar on my website!). Given what you’ve observed about young humans:
Isn’t all of this a life’s work? Is there a time limit on trial-and-error? Can’t we keep experimenting and keep growing and keep bumping into something that hits us as off and keep course-correcting toward what feels more aligned as we go? What if you trusted your inner guidance system and your own strong internal moral compass more than a belief you should never get it wrong, followed by punishment & purgatory and staking yourself deeper into the camp of unworthiness? Another invitation to soothe yourself I invite you to a grand experiment of soothing yourself when you feel bad. Not judging, not punishing, not analyzing, not trying to figure out where you went wrong, not seeking to justify your position, not allowing yourself to keep simmering in bad-mood sauce till you (somehow) earn getting to feel good again. When you feel bad, even if you’re sure you’ve done something wrong, disappointed yourself, fallen short of your idealized self, just feel better. Soothe yourself. Give yourself kind messages. Make choices about where to put your attention that would feel good to you now, not make you a good person (by your currently warped estimation of what that means when you’re in that bad space). Course-correct toward the wanted, starting with managing your feeling state and just going easy on yourself and others. Then take actions when you’re ready to take the ones that actually serve you. You are inherently worthy! If you’re alive, you are worthy of a wonderful life. You are worthy of a good day, any number of good segments throughout the day, a good NOW. You are worthy of love, health, a body you feel great in, work that deeply fulfills you, wonderful relationships with other sentient beings and rocks and things, time in your happy places, laughter, wealth, freedom & mobility. I could go on. I invite you to go on. And move on quickly when you’re feeling bad about yourself. Refuse to live in a senseless illusion that’s robbing you of this moment and sometimes whole days, weeks, months, and years when you get stuck in false penitence. Love & blessings, Jaya As I was engaged in this writing, this daily message came in from Abraham-Hicks Publications: Many believe that Source is outside of them and that you are separate from Source and being tested in some way. But only you can cause the feeling of separation from Source. That is what all negative emotion is. Source is never withholding from you. Source is always focused upon you, surrounding you with appreciation and unspeakable love. You can sign up for daily inspiration & reminders from Abraham. My favorite thing is to receive the ongoing live transmissions through Abraham Now programs, one to four times monthly. Because You Are!  Pic of a person bending to carry a large clock on their back from Getty Images on Unsplash. My aim in this writing is to support you to shake free of the (just plain wrong) mindset that you’re not doing enough and to anchor you instead in the orchestration—which means you’re not alone, something bigger than you is holding the whole picture, and you actually need to let go more, not figure out how to do more. The Orchestration There’s something bigger than you orchestrating things, holding the whole, and constantly bringing component parts together. Do you believe that? The rest of this writing presumes that you do—or that you’re curious about or open to experimenting with that way of seeing things. One of my favorite ramifications of the orchestration is this: It’s not all on you. It’s not all up to you. When I started my experiments in consciousness at a whole new level two decades ago, I was only just open to considering such a thing. I could only consider this if framed as an experiment. I’ve long since believed it every day and still see constant evidence of it. One of my least-favorite ramifications of the mindset that leaves out the orchestration is this: you perpetually feel like you should be doing more, there’s so much more to do, you’re not doing enough. It’s so … unrestful (for starters). It’s fully acceptable culturally to spout off a bunch of lies about time—not enough hours in the day, more to do than there is time to do it in. (If you think about it, that’s all insane.) No one looks baffled or even blinks when someone declares that they’re running around like a chicken with their head cut off (?!!). No shock or dismay goes round the table when someone having a lovely meal with friends says they just can’t get ahead. I invite you to stop accepting this as normal. It’s not. You do not have to do more than you can actually do. You don’t need to have your antennae out all the time checking for, checking out, checking in with the whole and the parts. You don’t have to precisely because that larger force or intelligence is orchestrating things. It is, in fact, NOT all on you. Be Here Now (don’t yawn, please) It was cute & popular in the eighties in spiritual circles and just-trending yoga classes and a burgeoning literature of consciousness to say thing like Be here now. There’s nowhere else you need to be. There’s nothing else you need to be doing. Well, that was just the beginning, folks. Shall we move along in our evolution? Let’s get past the words (or get more subtle with what they mean!) and bring them into a felt sense, a lived experience, an everyday reality, something to reach for again in any now-moment. Be here now still has power, if you live it. You really can be here now with each task, with each CHOICE, and leave the rest to the orchestration. Leave the whole picture alone. Let the parts you’re not working with now marinate, percolate, or move forward without you. They will, especially if you hold that in your awareness then watch for proof of it. (My current Manifestation & Magic group members are keeping records of things that happen without their DOING to have the evidence clearly in view!) Under most any circumstances, you get to have a clear & relaxed [fill in your favorite adjective for how you want to feel—fun, fulfilling, invigorating] experience with this one thing that’s yours to mind here & now. Your focus on what you’re not tending (in the moments you’re doing something else, resting & playing included) robs you of presence and of a satisfying way of life. It leaves out the orchestration, and in so doing kind of turns you into an incompetent god. (Like you’re supposed to be omniscient & omnipotent and look at how you fall short!) Then you think & speak in terms of a daily grind, and others around you falsely & foolishly concur. Some now-moments are good moments for eagle view. Wonderful. Take eagle view when it’s time for that, and enjoy the soaring. Benefit from the broader perspective. Consider the whole picture looking ahead & behind. Otherwise, leave eagle view to the eagles (and the orchestration!). Be in mouse view with this one small thing before you and eat up every little crumb of it. Savor what this now-moment contains. If it’s not your favorite task, at least do it relaxed, with full opt-in, and maybe a side of hot frothy beverage or music in the background.  Blurry photo of people on a whirlwind amusement park ride from Lorenzo Fustaino on Unsplash.
It’s Not a Problem That It’s Never Done Things are never done. Period. You know the old adage A woman’s work is never done—another reason to blow up the binary! No one’s work is ever done. Of course your work is never done! Stop treating this like a problem—or worse, a failure on your part. Likewise, your play is never done, your pleasure is never done, your learning is never done, your creative impulses & ideas are never done, your adventures are never done. Not until you die. And then … something else. So if you’re alive in this form, there it is: everything is in flux and more is always lining up. Seriously, what if you saw that with zero pressure or stress—or with the capacity & commitment to soothe that and give yourself new messages when the old hold sway or reassert themselves? You get to enjoy and be at ease with the thing you’re doing right now. More important, and more empowering: You can decide to enjoy & be at ease with each thing you’re doing NOW. Or not. What do you decide? Unlearning & Retraining On a day-to-day basis, noticing what’s NOT done (really, truly) does NOT need to be felt as pressure. If it registers as guilt or failure or any kind of problem that jars your system, PAUSE. Break the spell. Crack through the illusion. Breathe consciously for a few beats, and give yourself a reality check: actually, you ARE doing enough. Going slower with lower energy today? That, too, is a human reality: you’re still doing enough. Breathe through it. Embody & appreciate each thing you do. Align with the energy of the day as the orchestration takes care of what’s obviously not yours to do, or won’t look the way it does on high-energy days. Are you inefficient today? Still doing enough. Shift your energy, stretch, hydrate, take a break, take a walk, then see what you most want to give yourself to as best you can and as much as you want to here & now. Have others shown up or failed to show up in ways that maximize flow & easy movement through necessary tasks (for whatever you’re up to together)? Um, that’s normal too. Unavoidable, in fact. Just do what’s yours to do (which may or may not include communicating with them), and you’re doing enough. (But if you’re spending a bunch of mental time on what’s wrong with them, you’re doing too much—of what won’t serve you at all to connect to higher intelligence, which never goes along with some assessment that you’re the victim of others’ character flaws or work ethics or whatever.) Imagine a New Reality What if you lived with an abiding sense of enough-ness (even fullness, wholeness) in the now? What if you kept FEELING into that and returning to that feeling and reaching for it again each time it slipped away? (And slip it will—no problem.) What if you ended each day with a sense of satisfied completeness? Imagine savoring what’s happening now and gazing ahead with joyful anticipation (not frowning trepidation) for what’s coming next? I’m always running on empty. I can’t get ahead. I’m working nonstop and it’s never enough. Beyond not accepting such statements as normal, how about being struck by their sheer absurdity? Speak again if you catch yourself thinking or saying such things. Do not concur when others do. No doubt, life can feel intense, and in some realities that’s the status quo for some time (in certain jobs, parenting circumstances, health challenges; um, during certain waves of socio-political clusterfucks). Even if you’re on a roller coaster, you’re still existing in this one moment of the ride, right here, right now, and there’s nothing to be done (not by you) for or about the other moments. When life feels like a crazy carnival ride in perpetual motion, there’s still only now, now, now, now, now. And there’s still the orchestration holding what’s beyond this moment with an incredible & incredibly intelligent force. Your trouble and graceless navigating begin when you leave this moment mentally to worry, fret, tally, review, analyze, complain, predict—which means you’ve forgotten about or aren’t playing with the orchestration. Interrupt the mental departures and call yourself back to now. Release the stuff that doesn’t belong to now to that greater force. Back to the (amazing) Orchestration To bring it full circle in this writing and to cement it as a way of life:
I especially invite you to notice the moments you can simply act on a thought or an impulse NOW. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Guidance comes in now for now. Don’t talk back. Don’t wait for some greater readiness or further instructions or surety about right timing. Trust those impulses. That’s part of the orchestration. YOU’RE part of that vast intelligence. So flow with it now and now and now. Love & blessings, Jaya The Placemat Process from Abraham-Hicks is a great way to anchor yourself in an ongoing sense that it’s not all up to you. (Try it for a number days for it to bring more than relief for the day, though it’s good for that too. Used repeatedly, it’s a consciousness shifter.) If you’d like more on doership (the idea that you’re NOT the doer), read here. A Foolproof Way to Freedom  Image of a distressed person holding their head as someone walking behind waves a hand as if seeking to reason with them. From Getty Images on Unsplash. Dear Modern Reader, I recognize this bit of writing is not brief. It is important, though. If you're drawn to check it out, you might use the headings and bold print to support skimming and dropping in where you like. Or, um, you could just read it. I keep noticing in conversations with clients how much suffering we human beings generate by wanting something from someone who isn’t producing it. Who may not have access to that wanted thing—at least not now. Not given whatever they’re believing & focused on now; not given whatever they have & haven’t faced or healed; not given any number of other factors! Self-Generated Suffering You (and only you) Can Undo Can you see how you create this unnecessary suffering for yourself and put it on them? What if you flipped the switch: instead of declaring what someone should do, what you want or need them to provide or offer, or how they don’t show up for you in the way you want them to, acknowledge instead that this is simply something you want and you currently want it from them. None of that makes it something they must or should do; it’s not something anyone owes you. They get to feel in and decide what they’re up for & willing to do—not you. They even get to be oblivious of this thing entirely as they focus elsewhere, and it’s not yours to manage their enlightenment or order their priorities. What’s most misplaced here is your idea of what causes your suffering. In short, not what someone else is or isn’t doing! Your suffering comes from your focus & insistence on getting what isn’t forthcoming, and especially on getting it in some particular way from some particular source. (A client tells me they say it this way in the 12-step world: Stop trying to get milk from the Hardware store.) Taking Total Responsibility It’s pretty radical to believe that anything you want is your responsibility, and yours only. When you place that responsibility on others, you will almost certainly, at some point & to some degree, feel helpless, frustrated, angry, or victimized—or all of that and then some. You will be at the mercy of whether they ever get it or not, and they may not! You’re preventing yourself (as opposed to, they’re preventing you) from getting what you really want because you’re the one waiting for someone you can’t control to come to and provide this thing. Speaking of control, have you noticed how controlling you can get as you insist & insist, justify & explain, have the temper tantrums or crying jags? Do you notice the sense of scarcity you’re in? This idea that you should get something from someone not providing it can only feel like a gaping hole in your existence, and perhaps in your heart. The Scarcity Is an Illusion This vast Universe is not, in fact, a place of scarcity (unless you focus on lack & fill your field of vision with that). ANYTHING you want can come to you through any number of different channels. There are so many available forms for all you wish for, want to get to, aspire to create. Plenty of these are well within reach, and others not that far away as you open your mind, eyes, and heart and … head that way. But in This Case They ARE the Only One to Provide It Here’s where someone may argue something like: But we’re in a monogamous relationship and they don’t ever want to have sex. Um, then maybe you need to change the agreements or redefine the relationship—not bully the other to do what you want & insist they owe you that. What you want is valid, and whatever they’ve got going is valid too. If you make peace with what is—the current state of affairs is as it is--then you can consider, Now what? Where might I or we go from here? (See button below for more on acceptance as the best foundation for change if it calls to you.)  Image of cat & dog nose-to-nose with seemingly different agendas, from jack1007 on Unsplash.
A Waste of Your Life Force Next, I invite you to consider how easy it is to use up a whole lot of time & energy justifying & arguing for why you should get some specific thing from some specific person. (Sooooo easy. People do it all the time, and sometimes keep doing it year after year as they get increasingly bitter and feel increasingly defeated & unmet by life. And as their well-meaning loved ones join them to reinforce that they have every right to …) Here are some general (and pretty universal) examples of how you might construct it. Please fully take in that these are provided NOT for you to judge yourself by, but for you to gain clarity that opens you to what else is possible—what would feel better. You may argue any of the following:
How That Focus on What’s Missing Dissolves the Valuing of What’s Here The last one I wrote highlights how much FOCUS you can give to what you’re not getting from someone--at the expense of noticing all that you do get. For the record—and if you drop in, you may feel in your very body how much this makes sense--it gets a lot easier to focus on what you get from someone when you don’t EXPECT to get anything from them—never mind the particular things that are decidedly NOT forthcoming. It really helps for you not be mad, sad, annoyed, resentful, outraged, or […] about what they’re not providing. (And you feel how you feel, so that in itself isn’t the problem. It’s a question of noticing & checking out the thinking behind the feelings that keeps you holding on to those feelings—which could be transmuted with a bit of clarity.) Consider where this person produces & provides so many things that benefit you, that feel good to you, that you savor, that mean something lovely to you (adoration, respect, fascination, fun, connection, stimulation, kindness, caring). It may also be worth noting that they offer such things sometimes without even trying, and sometimes through conscious choice because they’re paying attention and do sometimes choose into what you’ve told them about yourself. An example of the not-even-trying bit: they just happen to be someone who’s funny and whose sense of humor meshes well with yours. They make you laugh a lot, just by perceiving things and speaking about them as they do. No effort is required—it just happens because they are who they are and you like who they are! An example of the conscious-choice bit: They’ve come to understand how much acts of service, for you, mean love. Even though it’s not their primary or most comfortable love language, they look for things they might do that they know you like or that you’ve mentioned make you feel looked after, provided for, supported, comfortable, good about your environment [whatever it may be]. Examples in the professional realm: Let’s be real—we expect a lot from our supervisors, employees, co-workers, team members, HR workers (etc, etc). Someone might naturally be orderly & prompt & prepared, and you love that—it contributes to your thriving at work. Or someone might consciously learn to review those documents more carefully before turning them over to you because they’ve taken in how much you prefer that, and the harmony between you & in the work flow is better maintained when they do that. And When They Don’t Accommodate Your Wanting & Preferences? What if they don’t have or learn the traits you want in those you love, live with, and work with? What if they’re not fulfilling their job descriptions or the terms of the relationship as you understand them? That will always be part of the story. Can you accept that? No one in any realm of life will ever manage to provide every single thing you want. (If they do, RUN THE OTHER WAY. They aren’t living their own life, or they’re codependent AF, or they’re too self-contorting & too open to manipulation to participate as a full co-creator in genuine relationship.) Whatever anyone’s role or job description, however well or thoroughly they do or don’t do what you think they should--it’s not their job and not humanly possible for them to be all you want them to be and provide all you want from them (however sensible your desire). They will do things you don’t prefer. Things that make you uncomfortable. Things you’ve told them (or asked them politely) to do differently. Things that you claim drive you insane. Your Sanity Is Fully Yours to Manage & Maintain Um, your sanity or lack thereof is up to you. Entirely. Yours to notice and yours to manage and, ideally, yours to make some very empowered choices around. Rewire it so that nothing drives you crazy. Then, when you feel or hear yourself think or say that something or someone is driving you nuts or bananas or off the deep end, you can simply treat it as an invitation to look again, to clear it up between you & you--instead of continuing to believe they need to change for your comfort & sanity. I used to do a holiday program called If they drive you crazy, take the wheel. In other words, don’t put it on them that you have stuff, that you have preferences, that you like the way you’re wired better, that you value your ethics more than theirs. Don’t even put it on them that you’re right, that things would function better if only they (and maybe everyone on the planet) would … (Give yourself this: You could be right. And that doesn’t change anything I’ve written here.) Innocuous Example of How We Do This (all the time & think nothing of it—we just think we’re right) I recently laughed at myself because I caught myself not in road rage but in road condescension! I heard myself say aloud to someone, in a calm, even (I’m so sensible, you’re such a jerk) kind of voice: “Honey, you just pulled in front of me going more slowly than I’m going and that doesn’t work.” I wasn’t screaming or pounding the steering wheels or whipping out a gun. I was still being superior and annoyed and annoyingly patronizing. No one owes you making all the same driving choices that you make. Fill in anything in that sentence where I have driving choices, and it’s still true—even if you think it’s for their own good & well-being or the good of all concerned; even if you fear their choices will hasten their death and you really really want them to live; even if you think you can’t keep living or working with them if they keep up what you don’t like or keep not doing what you do like. Don’t Want Anything from Anyone Just want what you want. You get to. You don’t need justification to want anything you want. You can even enjoy your wanting and how it move you along your beautiful, fascinating, evolving path. Want what you want and find where it is. Open up & let it come to you in a million different ways & forms, from obvious or unexpected sources. As Abraham-Hicks loves to say, Look for it where it is, not where it isn’t. Then you can let every character in your life off the hook and stop organizing your communications around getting them to do what you want them to do. It’s certainly fine to ask for what you want (do!). Let others know your preferences. And then, release them to be themselves, to have their tendencies & preferences, to look through their chosen & unconscious lenses, to be on their journey as it is & as it unfolds (however much it intersects with yours), and so on. Take responsibility for your own happiness, your well-being, your sanity. Take responsibility for getting all fo your needs met & wants fulfilled. Then you’re free to want nothing from anyone. Then you’re free to ask for & get what you want in a million ways. Then you’re free. Love & blessings, Jaya 3 related posts: 1. Story in which I asked myself, What if I wanted nothing from them? 2. How fully accepting where you are now best supports you to change it 3. Easy Existing Matches is the best tool from Abraham-Hicks for focusing consciously on what you do like about someone, what you do get from them A Trick for Welcoming Yourself to the Human Race  Image of colorful clouds at sunrise or sunset reflected in water with silhouette of a seated human being looking on. From Niilo Isotalo on Unsplash. 2 words to set you free: FIND IT What I offer here will automatically support you to set yourself freer & freer if you play with it. It’s likely to help you do some (maybe all) of the following:
Context for the invitation to FIND IT In 2006, I went to the School for The Work of Byron Katie to save my life. I was deeply immersed in suffering, and because I was a parent to two and step-parent to another, this meant that human beings cuter and more innocent than me were affected, sometimes intensely, by what I couldn’t shake myself free of. The stakes felt high. Also, I was pretty sick of myself. Many things happened in the School’s psychic excavation that spanned 10 days. All of it centered around questioning our thoughts—any thought that felt bad. If some belief, even one we were convinced was right, good, and true caused any modicum of suffering (discomfort, anxiety, disempowerment, self-loathing, confusion, sense of being limited, etc, etc), we were invited to question it. I redefined what nice was, what no meant, what I owed others, what made me a good person, what I had to have in place to be okay, what I thought I couldn’t forgive, and on and on and on. When someone (of the 250-ish international participants) stepped up to question something with Katie, they were bringing some superlative: worst fears, greatest pain, most debilitating shame … the stuff that keeps us most stuck. As soon as their bare-bones story was sufficiently stated to give us the them, Katie would turn to the room and say, FIND IT. By which she meant, find this in your life, find it in you. Obviously, everyone present didn’t have a specific extreme story of the same nature, or even in that same realm of life. But the invitation (or injunction) was to find where that story was our own, to whatever degree, in any way, shape, or form. The invitation was NOT to declare:
 Image of person seated sideways on bench looking out contemplatively over ocean view with cloudy sky. From Mohamed hamdi on Unsplash. Find it meant, locate in yourself something like:
It didn’t matter if you had a thimbleful or a boatload of their oceanic issue. It didn’t matter if you had it in a house or with a mouse, in a box or with a fox. Katie pointed out that if we could find in ourselves no more than a drop of it (whatever the it of the moment), that drop was where our suffering was; that drop was where our work was. This also meant that the other person’s ocean had nothing to do with us. Nothing for us to judge, nothing for us to measure ourselves by for better or worse. And, BONUS, it meant that we could both look upon them with compassion, and see ourselves in the same kind light. Never did another participant bring in a problem or negative tendency that I couldn’t find in myself. Not once. Even when they offered something that no part of me wanted to find in myself, when I looked with some modicum of willingness & curiosity, I found it. I couldn’t have predicted the profound & enduring impact this would have on me. I didn’t realize the ease it would bring in over time, the clarity of self-awareness, and especially the RELAXING OF SELF-JUDGMENT (which inevitably goes hand-in-hand with a less judgy gaze upon others). FIND IT: A great way to shift judgments of others After the School, I kept looking for—and finding—anything in myself that I caught myself (critically) finding in others. Not always instantly, but it never took that long, either. Judging feels bad, and Katie’s inquiry process had calibrated me to QUESTION MY PERCEPTIONS anytime I felt bad. Before that, I just carried on (cheerfully or miserably, or in some weird combo of both) poring over thoughts that made me hate my life, myself, or humankind. I re-trained myself to catch my own judgments of others as mental intrusions (not normal stuff to think about)—which I often noticed precisely because they felt bad. I learned to redirect my attention from the judgee back to me by directing myself as Katie had: FIND IT. I would look to find in myself whatever I saw that I thought was wrong with them. I still always could. I still always can. Yes, I can be that rude, yes I can be that unfocused, yes, I can yell at my children, yes, I can forget that my agenda isn’t the only one, yes, I can give a cringy performance, yes, I can butt in where it’s not wanted, yes, I can stay quiet when someone voiceless could use a mouthpiece, yes, I can stir up a pointless war … Hey, if someone BOTHERS you, feel free to move away from them. That’s a very good idea. But if you persist in judging them, and try to control them, even with useless mental reviews of what they’ve obviously got wrong, you’ll just create suffering for yourself & others. Katie taught me that I can’t stop judging altogether. The mind judges. But I can
Sometimes, Abraham-Hicks taught me, course-correcting just means moving my attention to what makes me feel better. Locate what I value about someone I’m judging by cataloging Easy Existing Matches to focus on what I genuinely appreciate, enjoy, or value about them. Or ZOOM OUT and remember it all comes out in the wash and people shift and change over time, but maybe not today, and maybe not right away in the exact way I’d like. (Turns out I don’t manage anyone else’s growth process and it’s not my business!) It’s alway weirdly effective to get off the tricky topic completely and focus on what doesn’t churn up resistance, doesn’t make me feel superior or inferior, doesn’t involve evaluating others or myself--maybe get on a topic that just feels nice, fun, easy, satisfying, calming. That’s radical, and it makes for a better internal & external reality. Love & blessings, Jaya |
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