​2 words to set you free: FIND IT
What I offer here will automatically support you to set yourself freer & freer if you play with it. It’s likely to help you do some (maybe all) of the following:

• Get out of right & wrong
• Release any lingering belief that you’re supposed to be perfect
• Stop even trying to get it right, and get on with living your best life (you’ll get plenty right, but … not the point)
• Quit wasting time & life force in self-castigation & shame eddies
• Find the way out of rabbit holes more quickly—before you hit existential NO-EXIT despair
• Drop superiority to others who (seen through your ugly glasses) aren’t managing things as well as you are
• Drop inferiority to others who (through same ugly glasses) are managing things better than you are
• Welcome yourself to the human race & know you can be happy there, and in good company

​
Context for the invitation to FIND IT
In 2006, I went to the School for The Work of Byron Katie to save my life. I was deeply immersed in suffering, and because I was a parent to two and step-parent to another, this meant that human beings cuter and more innocent than me were affected, sometimes intensely, by what I couldn’t shake myself free of. The stakes felt high. Also, I was pretty sick of myself.

Many things happened in the School’s psychic excavation that spanned 10 days. All of it centered around questioning our thoughts—any thought that felt bad. If some belief, even one we were convinced was right, good, and true caused any modicum of suffering (discomfort, anxiety, disempowerment, self-loathing, confusion, sense of being limited, etc, etc), we were invited to question it. I redefined what nice was, what no meant, what I owed others, what made me a good person, what I had to have in place to be okay, what I thought I couldn’t forgive, and on and on and on.

When someone (of the 250-ish international participants) stepped up to question something with Katie, they were bringing some superlative: worst fears, greatest pain, most debilitating shame … the stuff that keeps us most stuck. As soon as their bare-bones story was sufficiently stated to give us the them, Katie would turn to the room and say, FIND IT.

By which she meant, find this in your life, find it in you. Obviously, everyone present didn’t have a specific extreme story of the same nature, or even in that same realm of life. But the invitation (or injunction) was to find where that story was our own, to whatever degree, in any way, shape, or form. The invitation was NOT to declare:

• I don’t do such things
• I would never do that
• Their problem has nothing to do with me
• I’m above that
• Nope-nope-nope, not me

​

Note that BOLD TEXT is intentionally set up to help you scan & skim & scram.

Storytime, or Telling on Myself
I found myself unhappy with the choices I made one evening: I was too sedentary, resisted going out into nature when I still could have, then comforted myself by with a digital game that became the phone equivalent of a bag of potato chips.

When I came to for real (the inner tugs were happening all along, but no thanks), I was fascinated once again by how quickly the mind goes to making myself wrong, considering myself a loser, scolding myself for not doing better, accusing myself of being a fraud, and more of the stuff that matches that. Familiar?

None of this is loud or continuous in my current way of being, and typically may even have no words actually or consciously put to it. I do really value catching and practice catching the subtler stuff at earlier stages. And, as it happens for the typical humanoid, the subtle, quiet stuff gets more blaring and glaring as you keep ignoring the earlier stirrings of what feels off. Which I did, that evening, so yeah—glaring & blaring came along as my head started hurting and my eyes burning and actual sentences forming to attack my character.

Catching Yourself & Remembering or Reminding Yourself of a Few Things
I took in that I’d been feeling worse and worse and that I was in low-level self-loathing. I reminded myself of a few things that were within reach (and the more you practice this, the more you have within reach):

• If I’m seeing myself as bad or wrong, I’m not seeing myself through the eyes of Source.
• Feeling bad (according to Abraham-Hicks) means that I’m out of alignment with Source and that my Inner Being is holding the topic at hand in a different way than I’m now narrating it to myself—and it’s that disconnection from Source or Inner Being that makes me feel bad.
• There will always be contrast, and here I am in the midst of a contrasting experience, in that stuff I don’t like and don’t aspire to.
• This is not a punitive Universe unless I make it that way.
• Reconnecting now as best I can would represent my getting behind the idea I don’t deserve punishment. (Note that it doesn’t take much to believe you don’t deserve to sleep well, be happy, keep doing great work, be lovable, feel good in your body have a great life; if you think you don’t do this, I invite you to get more subtle and catch even a whiff of it.)

Refocusing
If I had refocused earlier, it would have been easier, taken less time, and allowed me a shift into an evening of acceptance and baseline contentment at the very least. (You’ll see an image of the Emotional Scale from Abraham-Hicks below, and contentment, at #7, is the last thing on the positive end of the scale before things head into what feels worse and worse. Sometimes they call that point satisfaction. I think of just accepting what is without judging it as being at that baseline as well.)

But no. I refocused at bedtime. I did go to bed ridiculously early, which was a very good idea. Especially since I hold a strong well-practiced credo of putting myself to bed kindly and releasing the day, whatever it did or didn’t hold, and declaring, Tomorrow, all things new, all things possible.

By refocusing, I mean reaching for the right process or soothing support here & now. Just reach for what might feel right. If you ever read what I write, you know I love me a good inquiry or focusing process. You can find the word process as a category tag on my blog to find the ones I’ve written up over time. There’s also stuff on my website under tools. A favorite process of mine is EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, or tapping), and there’s now more than one playlist on my YouTube channel devoted to that. (And for now, I’m still offering free EFT for whoever shows up on a Saturday morning at 10 ET—see link on homepage of my website.)

Reach for the Easiest Process First
That night, I decided to listen to an Abraham audio in the dark while lying in bed. But first, I did a quick mental listing of what had gone right that day. Otherwise stated, I found easy existing matches for the idea that I did do some things right, or that the whole day wasn’t a bust. I generally recommend & practice doing such things in writing or at least speaking them aloud, but I DIDN’T WANNA. The mental review still helped a lot.

The fascinating thing was that I discovered or took in all over again that I’d actually had a great day. I’d felt good all day (till late afternoon); I’d gotten some things done I felt good about doing; I’d been a supportive and kind presence to my elderly parent I live with; I did that in ways that felt easy and genuine for me (not taxing, not sacrificial), including watching The Six Triple Eight together, which we’d both been wanting to see & were happy to watch; I’d had a sweet, fun conversation with my stepdaughter; and then some!

Side Note about Globalizing Bad Feelings
How quickly a bad feeling about one thing in life or one part of a day becomes the whole story! And it’s just not true—or it’s not an accurate assessment (a sure sign that it’s not time to assess). So make it a habit not to believe and take off running with any globalized sense that everything about you is wrong or bad—or everything about your life, your future, your relationship, your work, your finances, your anything. Please certainly do not accept it as a valid basis for beating yourself up (um, because nothing is that).

Reach for the Next Process that Could Help in Another Way, from Another Direction
Then I put on my headset and turned on the desired Abraham audio on my phone, with the intention of receiving good reminders and some soothing. Note that intention matters. I was not looking to find what I’d done wrong or how I could do better. This would have skewed what I heard into a warped process of figuring out what was wrong with me or what I’d done wrong or even how I got off-track.

Is the importance of that crystal clear? That kind of setup basically exacerbates the sense of being wrong and amplifies the feeling bad. Even more important, it doesn’t let in soothing in the fastest or most efficient way. (Kind of like piping water through tubing with kinks in it.)

Sometimes, looking for soothing is the only thing to do (and please don’t read or treat this as a last resort!). Abraham likes to say, Soothing is the solution. Or, Soothing is solving. Especially at the end of the day—and certainly any other time or area when or where you’re particularly vulnerable (too much happening at once, scary or super-hard things going on, experiencing physical or chemical imbalance, having a particular person or group of people in your field, being thrown off in some specific realm of life …).

​Keep Expanding into the Wanted Feeling State
A certain discipline is required to keep rejecting ugly thought forms that introduce themselves. Whether this means self-accusation or hating on someone else or making bleak predictions about the future (anything in the mental realm that feels bad!), just take these thoughts for what they are: concepts still trying to form as words and images to match the bad feelings that took hold. Basically, those feelings have a certain amount of momentum going, and they won’t just screech to a halt, even as you’ve consciously begun the pivot in the other direction.

Let’s say another defeating or self-critical thought creeps in. Give it a nod, or label it something simple--That’s just a thought. Or declare, That’s not completely true, or tell yourself, It’s really not time to evaluate. If you can just witness it and refocus, even better. How quickly can you notice mental activity or feel in your emotional body that you’ve gone off the soothing lane and onto the rumble strip—and simply head back to soothing?

Whenever you’re rejecting or moving away from something, see how clear you can be about what you’re embracing or moving toward. So that night as self-castigation tried to reassert itself, I kept releasing that and heading toward soothing by dropping in again with whatever the Abraham voice was saying in that moment. (And that, of course, was encouraging, not scolding me.)

SIDENOTE about emotional scale above.
I caught this screenshot of the emotional scale from Abraham-Hicks during an Abraham-Now Broadcast. These are amazing video programs you can sign up to receive live (which also gets you the replay to listen to again and again, one of which I was listening to in the story in this writing). They cost about $50 each. There’s a benefit I’m finding from hearing the most current transmission of Abraham wisdom, which is always fine-tuning and evolving, and from being part of the building dialogue as people from various parts of the planet bring questions and share experiences of applying the concepts from one broadcast to the next.


Noticing a Thing or Two for Future Reference
I find that most mental notes to do better next time don’t do much good. Practicing meeting yourself kindly wherever you are, over and over, sitch after sitch, day in and day out—that does all kinds of good. It sets up a new or ever-stronger tendency or habit pattern of walking yourself through anything well. So when I look ahead to a sort of doing it better next time, I like to focus it this way: What could actually help?

That night, I noticed that it helps when I remember that late (in this case not that late but later) in the day is a potentially vulnerable time for me, and it does me good to slow down at that time and check in if anything feels off.

I noticed that I hadn’t done any segment intending for that evening. I love segment intending, and had used it earlier in the day (back when things were going well!), but didn’t use it when hunger struck in the late afternoon … and Mom was ready for food too, and I’m the cook, and I told myself it was too late to go outside for a walk. (In fact, I could still have managed both simple food and simple outing.)

Segment intending sets up simple intentions for how you want to feel, or how you want to show up, in just the next one thing ahead. That could have supported my choices and their execution, as it usually does quite nicely. And, again, maybe using segment intending during or when facing the time I’m most likely to wobble (for me, late in the day) could be an excellent tactic to keep in view. (I like to literally post notes about things like that until they’re imprinted on my consciousness.)

Finally, Abraham said something in the audio reminding me to just feel better, and gently move up the emotional scale. I had lost track of that. I had been moving down that scale over the course of the evening! Look at the tipping point under #7, contentment, on the scale in the diagram above. I could have kept myself there if not headed upward, but I made a boring choice when I sat down to play a game and, from boredom, started feeling pessimistic while going more unconscious. Subtly and surely, then less subtly and super surely, down the scale I went. It didn’t look like much to the naked eye (no debauchery, no meanness, no money gambled or spent), but it felt bad, and my response was a numbing tactic (just onnnnnnnne more word game). I lost track of feeling better and simply CHOOSING into feeling better. Which is the simple and sure-fire way to move up the emotional scale instead of further down.

No Matter What’s Up: EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY
I slept well and woke up predisposed to reach for feeling better. In the past, going to bed in a bad state would have meant waking up in that state and expecting to have, then creating, a wretched day. This is why I remind myself at night, Tomorrow, all things new, all things possible.

I put on an audio first thing (which I typically do anyway as a great way to establish a desired set point quickly). I sat down to do a couple of processes to further establish myself in the focus I wanted for this new day. When I caught some color coming through the window, I stepped outside for one of the best sunrises I’ve seen in a while, with gold and peachy colors at the base and rising layers of violet and mauve, with a few blues peeking through. Bonus, a pair of robins were not only singing heartily nearby, but also doing some acrobatic flirting and frolicking. Spring in the air!

And that, my friends, is how to refocus so you create improvements from a better point of departure.

Perhaps you’ve noticed that trying to do better from the point of telling yourself all that you’ve done wrong and how you must really do better in fact does NOT move you along very quickly or very well? That it creates a miserable journey in conflict with the goal of getting you to a better place? I invite you to to keep finding, practicing, and coming back to simple ways to be your own best ally. Soothe yourself. Walk yourself toward the best version of yourself. But don’t expect yourself to be there all the time.

That last bit is literally a sentence Abraham said into my headset that night. And it was soothing: Of course I won’t be there all the time. There will always be contrast. And I can pay attention to how I feel and reach for feeling better whenever I notice I’m feeling bad. I’ve got this. You’ve got this. We’re all in this together.

Love & blessings, Jaya

​(Have you ever noticed you can follow the bold print in these writings to get the gist of it for a quick read and to find where you may want to go in more deeply? Yup.)

I meant to get this email out earlier but I got busy googling Can you freeze red lentil soup? and then best lesbian dating apps for Kansas City, then I looked again to make sure I hadn’t missed any of the free NYT daily puzzles.

Just kidding. I HAVE, however, been thinking about how distractions have innocent motives*. Your little or grand time-wasting side trips carry messages & invitations for your greater well-being—if only they can elbow past your self-accusations of lazy distractible unfocused procrastinating or whatever you choose to call it to make yourself feel bad.

(*Thank you to brilliant coach Jude Spacks for giving me this phrase and concept of the innocent motive.)

Ever notice that feeling bad about your behavior (thus yourself) is possibly the LEAST likely way to move away from what you’re not loving? It’s certainly not the easiest, quickest, or kindest way out!

So, wanna drop the judgments with me for a moment and explore what wants to come through that could actually feel good to you? That could in fact usher you right into the next bigger-better version of yourself?

DISCLAIMER: Please don’t misread me and think I’m saying you should never play games or run curious online searches or binge-watch a good show. I’m not saying that at all. I’m addressing the surplus of that—and how you know it’s too much is not related to a concept or number of minutes. Just this: It feels like too much TO YOU. It feels BAD.

See what hits you in this list of possible invitations seeking to come in when you reach for the stuff that zaps your time and messes with your ideas of productivity. Which messages might be for you? Or what else do they bring in as fresh ideas for what you’re really after?

Your (loving, entirely UNscolding) guidance system may be saying:

• Are you sure you’ve been playing enough, honey? Schedule in some fun time more consciously. Stuff that’s REALLY fun, please. Run & play with dogs & children. Ambush a cat who will ambush you back. Dance, laugh, take a field trip somewhere new.
  
  
• Hey, you’re really seeking to alleviate some discomfort here. Move away from your [desk, cubby, work station] more often. Take more small breaks. GO OUTSIDE, even to step out and breathe a bit with your senses activated. Move the body and get energy flowing all through you. Give your eyes the rest and treat of looking up into trees, skies, light.
  
  
• The thing you’re avoiding you actually want to do. There are some [fears, worries, not-sure-how’s] in the way. Come along. Let’s step into the shallow end at your point of least resistance and take one simple step with ease. See how that goes. Watch for the possibility of momentum building.
  
  
• You’re not CLEARLY making certain choices in your life to create & experience more of what’s actually important to you—what you truly want. Where are you abdicating to what others want from or expect of you? Choose what you actually want to be/do/have in order to fully be you (then maybe you won’t choose this piddly-distraction stuff you don’t actually want to give hours to).

It could be so many things! More below for you to see what’s yours or jogs your thinking toward the more precise issue/s for you.​

  

• There’s something you’re [sad, mad, confused, disturbed] about and you’d actually feel better sitting with that a minute. What if you just sat and breathed it without trying to figure it out? Just feel it in the body and give it a kind, compassionate gaze. Pause to breathe in and around it. Don’t go to the head, leave solutioning alone, and instead offer what feels bad a few conscious moments to see what may arise.
  
  
• ACTUALLY, dear one, you’re too obsessed with productivity, and your inner rebel wants to push against that. Consider your natural fluctuations of energy. What if you went with the flow more & consciously chose the nonproductive sometimes? Let it be okay to have ebb & flow. Your experiment with this could show you increased productivity overall! (I dare you to run the experiment!)
  
  
• The more you don’t let yourself be as big as you could be, my love, the more you reach for things that diminish you, that trivialize the fullness of all that you are, and that fill your time with the superfluous & insubstantial.
  
  
• Sweetheart, you’re working too hard, pure & simple. Work easier. Spend more time relaxing & aligning, even in small spurts and transitional moments, so that the quality of your work (your offering to the world!) is imbued with ease, flow, a satisfied sense of well-being.
  
  
• Do less, and opt in fully to what you do choose to do. Don’t allow yourself to be divided.

Hey, I recently did a group EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique, or tapping) session that felt like an inspired journey of connecting to and honoring the guidance system that’s unique to each of us. Check it out if drawn! Your guidance system can support you to get out of anything you don’t actually feel good about doing RIGHT NOW and point you to what would truly meet your needs, fulfill your desires, and move you along toward your visions and intentions!

Love & blessings, Jaya

​Shortest read: Scroll down past the first photo and skim through the end for the things you’re likely to say to yourself in the headings. Drop in with those to see how else you might approach it and what other words might serve you better.

Less of this:

• This can’t be happening.
• This is bad.
• This is not okay.
• What is wrong with me?
• How could I have done (thought, said) that?
• This is so hard.
• I feel so guilty.
• I have to figure this out.
• I can’t
• I don’t know what to do.
• I don’t know how.
• I’ll mess it up.
• I messed it up.
• I missed my chance.
• Everything’s ruined.
• It’s not gonna happen.

INTERRUPT that shit. Stop talking, get off the topic, hit the pause button, redirect your focus, move away from this, get out of head and into body, do anything but keep following those trains of thought or bits of dialogue. You’ll just built momentum in the wrong direction if you keep going with something that was not a useful direction to go in the first place—a direction that leads to all that you don’t want.

Next I’m going to offer better things to say to yourself for each of the above. Essentially, all we're doing here is what Abraham-Hicks calls reaching for better-feeling thoughts.

Replace each heading below with something like the suggestions that follow. Feel better? More of that. Each sentence under each original statement could represent one next thought to reach for that feels even a little bit better than the first thing that popped into your head or out of your mouth.

This can’t be happening.
This is reality, so it must be normal human stuff that I don’t need to get all riled up about. I’d like to accept what’s happening here, which doesn’t require me to like it or approve of it. I’d like to get real. From that place, I think I can see more clearly and peacefully where I’d prefer for things to go.

This is bad.
This is just life unfolding. I don’t need to label it good or bad, just soothe myself where it feels bad and reach for thoughts, words, ideas, a vision, one action to take that feels better.

This is not okay.
It’s okay. It’s really okay. I’m okay. (Hey, younger me, I’ve got you. You’re okay. This isn’t the old thing you were stuck in. We’re not stuck here.)

What is wrong with me?
There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m on a human journey and sometimes I’m in touch with loving that journey. I’ve come a long way. All is well. I’m willing to keep showing up, learning, growing, healing, being a better version of myself.

How could I have done (thought, said) that?
There’s nothing I ever do that isn’t normal human stuff. When it feels off to me, I can love that my guidance system is working. When I feel bad about it, I can make myself feel better and take actions that feel aligned to me. I can simply course-correct. I don’t have to make identity out of anything I do, think, or say. I can simply keep feeling into what I prefer and head that way.

This is so hard.
This is just unpracticed. It’s probably not that hard. I could build these muscles. I could get used to this. I really just need to try the new way here and now and not jump ahead mentally beyond this moment.

I feel so guilty.
Most guilt is false and based on old concepts I no longer believe or someone else’s concepts I don’t need to subscribe to. If I feel guilty, instead of carrying around a guilty feeling and talking (to myself or others) about how guilty I feel, I can check it out. If I’m really guilty, there’s stuff to do (make amends, clean it up, do something else now or later). But if I’m not, then I simply need to soothe the part of me that’s uncomfortable about something here. (I don’t like being seen by them in this way; I hate not giving someone what they seem to need and want from me; I don’t like disappointing them; …

I have to figure this out.
I don’t need to figure this out right now. I need to soothe myself and get into a better space and then watch for inspiration—maybe just for one next step to take toward what feels aligned with what I’m after.

I’ll never figure this out.
I’ve learned so much in my lifetime, corrected so many wrong understandings, expanded my viewpoint, stretched my perspective … I’m open to perception shifts and new information and awareness. I don’t have to have everything clearly in view right now. In fact, that’s not how it works. What I see and don’t see now is all good enough.

​I can’t.
I’ve surprised myself with things I’ve gotten to that I didn’t know I could get to. I will again. I may or may not achieve this specific thing. I’m still going to keep aiming for things I want to create and experience and be/do/have and who knows how life will surprise me next, and how I may yet surprise myself.

I don’t know what to do.
I don’t need to know what to do. I can just soothe myself and get realigned and then I’m more likely to see one way to aim roughly in the right direction.

I don’t know how.
I’ve done so many things I didn’t start out knowing how to do. I don’t need to know how. I need to keep in view what I’m after, what matters to me, and follow what comes to me to do.

I’ll mess it up.
I’d like to be done predicting my own failures or graceless processes. I’d like to be willing to fail or bumble through something without making identity of it—or start making identity out of my badass risk-taking self.

I messed it up.
This didn’t give me the outcome I wanted. That’s okay. That’s a normal human experience and part of the human journey. In fact, I’ve gotten so much better at releasing outcome, which sometimes enables me to move forward when I’m not sure how things will go. So … Now what?

I missed my chance.
Life is full of opportunities. The field of pure potentiality is always before me. Life brings things around again & again & again. As Abraham-Hicks says, You can’t miss the boat because there’s always another boat coming.

Everything’s ruined.
I love catching myself in all-or-nothing thinking and knowing it can’t be true. Everything can’t be ruined. I’m still alive. There’s more to love, enjoy, savor, learn, create, play with …

It’s not gonna happen.
I don’t know what’s next or what will or won’t come to be. I know I have a few things I’d like to head toward. I love the journey. I love remembering it’s a journey, not a struggle toward a series of outcomes. What will be will be, and in the meantime, here I am. I so appreciate getting to be here.

Got it? The simple concept is, less of what makes you feel bad, more of what is soothing and encouraging and makes you feel better-good-great. Walk yourself through kindly. Speak to yourself in ways that are actually helpful. Do not ALLOW yourself to carry around thoughts that defeat you and make you feel like you’re not living your life well, you’re not enough, you’re not equipped for reality. You’re doing great. You’re equipped. You’re amazing.

Love & blessings, Jaya

PS. I also have a post on a simple way to recognize thoughts as working for or against you! Upstream or Downstream?

Also relevant, is Talk yourself through. How do you want to talk to yourself as you kindly walk yourself through things acting like your own best ally?

Questions with obvious answers
These aren’t worth asking, yet we do ask them or even ask nonverbally. Maybe cut to the chase, and head for that obvious answer?

• Should I hang out with this person who drains me?
  
  
• Should I spend the holiday with these people who yank me back to old stuff I don’t want to be in?
  
  
• Should I keep doing this thing that’s making me hate myself while I do it?
  
  
• Should I make small talk with and be polite to this person I don’t respect or enjoy?
  
  
• Should I smile for them when no genuine smile is arising for me?
  
  
• Should I stay in this interaction that’s becoming increasingly violent by the second (even with no physical violence involved)?
  
  
• Should I stay longer as I notice myself feeling more and more contracted [exhausted, withdrawn, frustrated, humiliated, powerless, overwhelmed, …]?

​​

• ​Should I keep following this topic (in conversation or mind) that’s making me feel self-righteous [angry, annoyed, defensive, some kind of bad]?

Questions based on a false binary
These typically start on a flawed premise that leaves out a whole lot of possibilities and therefore won’t get you to a useful answer [creative solution, new insight, unexpected next step, brilliant course-correction] anytime soon.

• Should I stay or should I go?
  
  
• Is this working for me or against me?
  
  
• Do I do this for money or for service?
  
  
• Do they get it or are they clueless?
  
  
• Do I love them or not?
  
  
• Should we follow this plan or start over?
  
  
• Is this a good or a bad idea?
  
  
• Should I keep my day job or just do what I love?
  
  
• Should I put myself out there or stay in my bubble?

​Questions that take you out of your business
Here, you’re asking from a place where you don’t belong, where you actually have no control or agency. You may notice you’re mentally and emotionally exhausting yourself or even being propelled to take fruitless [forced, uninspired, just wrong, …] actions to try to manage what isn’t yours to manage. These questions typically make you feel disempowered, discouraged, or any kind of yuck.

• Shouldn’t they be doing X or Y instead of wasting their life?
  
  
• Will their feelings be hurt if I say or do that?
  
  
• Am I doing something wrong? What’s wrong with me?
  
  
• How long is this going to last?
  
  
• How many times do I need to tell them …?
  
  
• Why is this happening?
  
  
• Has the whole world gone mad?
  
  
• What have you done for me lately?
  
  
• Why haven't they answered my text [email, voicemail, note I left under their windshield wiper]?
  
  
• Do [will] they approve?
  
  
• Is everything okay?

​If you do keep asking questions that don’t serve you, consider what could support a shift and perhaps bring relief, a sense of new possibility, or movement toward freedom and lightness. Skim through the following and linger with what feels relevant:

You may want to look at the beliefs underlying the question (beliefs about friendship, relationship, roles, ethics, …). You may believe something different in your current reality or phase of life that hasn’t fully come to light and that it would help to articulate. Or you think you’re operating out of your current belief system when in fact you’re still applying an old belief. (A good grown child does this or that for their parents, whatever the cost to self.)

This question may be the equivalent of pointlessly chasing your tail. Put it down and invite a new one, or brainstorm a whole list of questions to support you to think something through more clearly.

A question may be brought to you by some old emotional attachment to operating a certain way or playing a certain role that’s all tied up with being safe [being loved, being good, belonging, succeeding, …]. It could help to be in some process (e.g., inquiry, journaling, coaching, therapy) to locate that so you can disconnect what got wired together. (No, you actually would still be safe and possibly safer if you did move away from or have way more boundaries regarding that person or group.)

You may be asking yourself something you’ve already made a decision about, so it goes without asking. Unless it’s time to look again for real and possibly make a conscious new decision or renegotiation, you don’t need to go in again for more questioning. (You said you wouldn’t get in the passenger seat when that person is driving. So don’t.)

www.amazon.com/Scooch-Edging-Into-Friendly-Universe/dp/0997740108/ref=sr_1_1?
​Some questions are helpful, expansive, empowering, productive. They redirect you to what feels better. They lead to fruitful pondering (not ruminating) and make you feel alive, curious, open-minded, inspired, connected, capable, and more. If you like, find some excellent questions to ask yourself in this blog post:
1 good breath + 1 good question = rumination dissolved!

I like the question NOW WHAT? so much that the conclusion of my book, Scooch!: Edging into a Friendly Universe has that for a title. Bumped into a wall? Now what? Just interrupted an old thought pattern? Now what? This puts you in presence, and open to where you actually want to move toward, or just the one next step roughly in the right direction.

Love & blessings, Jaya

P.S. Who are you to ask yourself crushing questions? Here’s a blog post that invites you to something kinder.