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A Foolproof Way to Freedom  Image of a distressed person holding their head as someone walking behind waves a hand as if seeking to reason with them. From Getty Images on Unsplash. Dear Modern Reader, I recognize this bit of writing is not brief. It is important, though. If you're drawn to check it out, you might use the headings and bold print to support skimming and dropping in where you like. Or, um, you could just read it. I keep noticing in conversations with clients how much suffering we human beings generate by wanting something from someone who isn’t producing it. Who may not have access to that wanted thing—at least not now. Not given whatever they’re believing & focused on now; not given whatever they have & haven’t faced or healed; not given any number of other factors! Self-Generated Suffering You (and only you) Can Undo Can you see how you create this unnecessary suffering for yourself and put it on them? What if you flipped the switch: instead of declaring what someone should do, what you want or need them to provide or offer, or how they don’t show up for you in the way you want them to, acknowledge instead that this is simply something you want and you currently want it from them. None of that makes it something they must or should do; it’s not something anyone owes you. They get to feel in and decide what they’re up for & willing to do—not you. They even get to be oblivious of this thing entirely as they focus elsewhere, and it’s not yours to manage their enlightenment or order their priorities. What’s most misplaced here is your idea of what causes your suffering. In short, not what someone else is or isn’t doing! Your suffering comes from your focus & insistence on getting what isn’t forthcoming, and especially on getting it in some particular way from some particular source. (A client tells me they say it this way in the 12-step world: Stop trying to get milk from the Hardware store.) Taking Total Responsibility It’s pretty radical to believe that anything you want is your responsibility, and yours only. When you place that responsibility on others, you will almost certainly, at some point & to some degree, feel helpless, frustrated, angry, or victimized—or all of that and then some. You will be at the mercy of whether they ever get it or not, and they may not! You’re preventing yourself (as opposed to, they’re preventing you) from getting what you really want because you’re the one waiting for someone you can’t control to come to and provide this thing. Speaking of control, have you noticed how controlling you can get as you insist & insist, justify & explain, have the temper tantrums or crying jags? Do you notice the sense of scarcity you’re in? This idea that you should get something from someone not providing it can only feel like a gaping hole in your existence, and perhaps in your heart. The Scarcity Is an Illusion This vast Universe is not, in fact, a place of scarcity (unless you focus on lack & fill your field of vision with that). ANYTHING you want can come to you through any number of different channels. There are so many available forms for all you wish for, want to get to, aspire to create. Plenty of these are well within reach, and others not that far away as you open your mind, eyes, and heart and … head that way. But in This Case They ARE the Only One to Provide It Here’s where someone may argue something like: But we’re in a monogamous relationship and they don’t ever want to have sex. Um, then maybe you need to change the agreements or redefine the relationship—not bully the other to do what you want & insist they owe you that. What you want is valid, and whatever they’ve got going is valid too. If you make peace with what is—the current state of affairs is as it is--then you can consider, Now what? Where might I or we go from here? (See button below for more on acceptance as the best foundation for change if it calls to you.)  Image of cat & dog nose-to-nose with seemingly different agendas, from jack1007 on Unsplash.
A Waste of Your Life Force Next, I invite you to consider how easy it is to use up a whole lot of time & energy justifying & arguing for why you should get some specific thing from some specific person. (Sooooo easy. People do it all the time, and sometimes keep doing it year after year as they get increasingly bitter and feel increasingly defeated & unmet by life. And as their well-meaning loved ones join them to reinforce that they have every right to …) Here are some general (and pretty universal) examples of how you might construct it. Please fully take in that these are provided NOT for you to judge yourself by, but for you to gain clarity that opens you to what else is possible—what would feel better. You may argue any of the following:
How That Focus on What’s Missing Dissolves the Valuing of What’s Here The last one I wrote highlights how much FOCUS you can give to what you’re not getting from someone--at the expense of noticing all that you do get. For the record—and if you drop in, you may feel in your very body how much this makes sense--it gets a lot easier to focus on what you get from someone when you don’t EXPECT to get anything from them—never mind the particular things that are decidedly NOT forthcoming. It really helps for you not be mad, sad, annoyed, resentful, outraged, or […] about what they’re not providing. (And you feel how you feel, so that in itself isn’t the problem. It’s a question of noticing & checking out the thinking behind the feelings that keeps you holding on to those feelings—which could be transmuted with a bit of clarity.) Consider where this person produces & provides so many things that benefit you, that feel good to you, that you savor, that mean something lovely to you (adoration, respect, fascination, fun, connection, stimulation, kindness, caring). It may also be worth noting that they offer such things sometimes without even trying, and sometimes through conscious choice because they’re paying attention and do sometimes choose into what you’ve told them about yourself. An example of the not-even-trying bit: they just happen to be someone who’s funny and whose sense of humor meshes well with yours. They make you laugh a lot, just by perceiving things and speaking about them as they do. No effort is required—it just happens because they are who they are and you like who they are! An example of the conscious-choice bit: They’ve come to understand how much acts of service, for you, mean love. Even though it’s not their primary or most comfortable love language, they look for things they might do that they know you like or that you’ve mentioned make you feel looked after, provided for, supported, comfortable, good about your environment [whatever it may be]. Examples in the professional realm: Let’s be real—we expect a lot from our supervisors, employees, co-workers, team members, HR workers (etc, etc). Someone might naturally be orderly & prompt & prepared, and you love that—it contributes to your thriving at work. Or someone might consciously learn to review those documents more carefully before turning them over to you because they’ve taken in how much you prefer that, and the harmony between you & in the work flow is better maintained when they do that. And When They Don’t Accommodate Your Wanting & Preferences? What if they don’t have or learn the traits you want in those you love, live with, and work with? What if they’re not fulfilling their job descriptions or the terms of the relationship as you understand them? That will always be part of the story. Can you accept that? No one in any realm of life will ever manage to provide every single thing you want. (If they do, RUN THE OTHER WAY. They aren’t living their own life, or they’re codependent AF, or they’re too self-contorting & too open to manipulation to participate as a full co-creator in genuine relationship.) Whatever anyone’s role or job description, however well or thoroughly they do or don’t do what you think they should--it’s not their job and not humanly possible for them to be all you want them to be and provide all you want from them (however sensible your desire). They will do things you don’t prefer. Things that make you uncomfortable. Things you’ve told them (or asked them politely) to do differently. Things that you claim drive you insane. Your Sanity Is Fully Yours to Manage & Maintain Um, your sanity or lack thereof is up to you. Entirely. Yours to notice and yours to manage and, ideally, yours to make some very empowered choices around. Rewire it so that nothing drives you crazy. Then, when you feel or hear yourself think or say that something or someone is driving you nuts or bananas or off the deep end, you can simply treat it as an invitation to look again, to clear it up between you & you--instead of continuing to believe they need to change for your comfort & sanity. I used to do a holiday program called If they drive you crazy, take the wheel. In other words, don’t put it on them that you have stuff, that you have preferences, that you like the way you’re wired better, that you value your ethics more than theirs. Don’t even put it on them that you’re right, that things would function better if only they (and maybe everyone on the planet) would … (Give yourself this: You could be right. And that doesn’t change anything I’ve written here.) Innocuous Example of How We Do This (all the time & think nothing of it—we just think we’re right) I recently laughed at myself because I caught myself not in road rage but in road condescension! I heard myself say aloud to someone, in a calm, even (I’m so sensible, you’re such a jerk) kind of voice: “Honey, you just pulled in front of me going more slowly than I’m going and that doesn’t work.” I wasn’t screaming or pounding the steering wheels or whipping out a gun. I was still being superior and annoyed and annoyingly patronizing. No one owes you making all the same driving choices that you make. Fill in anything in that sentence where I have driving choices, and it’s still true—even if you think it’s for their own good & well-being or the good of all concerned; even if you fear their choices will hasten their death and you really really want them to live; even if you think you can’t keep living or working with them if they keep up what you don’t like or keep not doing what you do like. Don’t Want Anything from Anyone Just want what you want. You get to. You don’t need justification to want anything you want. You can even enjoy your wanting and how it move you along your beautiful, fascinating, evolving path. Want what you want and find where it is. Open up & let it come to you in a million different ways & forms, from obvious or unexpected sources. As Abraham-Hicks loves to say, Look for it where it is, not where it isn’t. Then you can let every character in your life off the hook and stop organizing your communications around getting them to do what you want them to do. It’s certainly fine to ask for what you want (do!). Let others know your preferences. And then, release them to be themselves, to have their tendencies & preferences, to look through their chosen & unconscious lenses, to be on their journey as it is & as it unfolds (however much it intersects with yours), and so on. Take responsibility for your own happiness, your well-being, your sanity. Take responsibility for getting all fo your needs met & wants fulfilled. Then you’re free to want nothing from anyone. Then you’re free to ask for & get what you want in a million ways. Then you’re free. Love & blessings, Jaya 3 related posts: 1. Story in which I asked myself, What if I wanted nothing from them? 2. How fully accepting where you are now best supports you to change it 3. Easy Existing Matches is the best tool from Abraham-Hicks for focusing consciously on what you do like about someone, what you do get from them
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 (most helpful mixed metaphor ever)
I'm about to do a whole audio program on difficult personalities, to serve you during the holidays and always. Here, in this post, I offer a crazy-helpful and super-simple way to determine your base-level response to anyone. I've been inviting people for years now to meet every face as the face of God. It's gotten me in trouble before when people think I mean, Say yes to anything anyone says to you! Open the door to anyone who knocks! Oh, no no no. Sometimes the face of God shows up for you to learn to say no or practice unapologetic door-shutting, even shutting it in someone's face. In other words, some faces of God invite you to hold a boundary. Recently, out of the blue, I happened on a crazy simple way to think of this concept and parse out what any particular face has got for you when it shows up here and now. Think of two available buckets that you can drop any face of God in. Bucket #1 is the face of God that makes you go, Oh, YES. Variations:
And bucket #2, of course, is the one that makes you go, NO. Variations:
There. This basic parsing system alone can make a world of difference. You're free when you can leave people alone to do what they do and simply mind what you do. When you're crystal-clear that you don't have to react to people words (just hear them and parse away, bucket #1 or bucket #2), then you just get to mind your peace, and leave off any painful engaging with (mental or spoken)
... and whatever else you do that disrupts your own state while they're just doing what they do. I repeat: Leave them to their ideas, opinions, criticism, advice. They get to have them. You get to have your peace. Love & blessings, Jaya |
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