Power Zappers

chapter 29 of Scooch!: Edging into a Friendly Universe

I came up with the power zappers when I first put together my Personal Power Surge workshop for the womyn in the Michigan woods. It was a way to lay out the typical things that take or keep us out of our personal power, sometimes on a daily basis. You'll recognize yourself somewhere in here. I invite you to read through them with open curiosity—rather than, say, fear and loathing, or any propensity toward judgment. Notice the ones that aren't issues for you—or not much—and those that still apply more than you'd like or even that exist for you as primary defaults. If you're struck by how many of the power zappers you fall prey to, do not be alarmed, and don't despair.
Awareness is the first step in your readiness to clear them: as soon as they're in view, you're on it. So if you're ready to scooch into your power, please don't slow down your process by being horrified by what you do or by believing it's not okay. Of course it's okay: these are things people do. Once again, welcome yourself to the human race.
For each power-zapping tendency, there's a new intention or affirmation given. This provides language to help you connect to the new way, or to a clear intention to counter any power zapper you find in yourself (or, more accurate, in your habitual behavior). You know the drill: catch yourself in the unwanted behavior (celebrate!), then simply course-correct. Do that in the moment if you can, or go back later and, in a neutral way (no judgment), consider how you might have done it differently. This will support you in doing it differently next time and in catching yourself earlier in the process. Please tweak the wording of the affirmations as needed or come up with your own: the language should feel relevant and good to you. I invite you to actually make use of these, especially in the moment you catch yourself in the old way.
Personal power involves taking responsibility for yourself—your thoughts, feelings, and behavior. You'll have more of it when you're self-referential. Connected to yourself, you'll connect to others. Thinking highly of yourself (being in good standing with yourself), you won't go into wacky contortions to be or do what others want from you. You'll speak freely what's true for you in a way that's clear, direct, and honest. You won't need to pretend or hide or in any way make yourself small. You won't reveal that you secretly believe there's something wrong with you, because you won't secretly believe that, or you'll come very close to it when any trace of such a thought bubbles up to your compassionate, dispassionate awareness.
The power zappers in themselves constitute a recap of all we've looked at so far, and then some. Here they are:

Unclear agreements

Don't just assume they're thinking what you're thinking: We'll meet where we met last time. “Some gardening” in trade means a couple of hours a week.

Don't leave out uncomfortable details, like dollar amounts, time boundaries, what you are and aren't willing to do. Step into any discomfort or awkwardness and discuss these things up front—it'll be more awkward later.

New intention/affirmation: I make clear agreements.

Vague plans

Not making a clear date with someone or a clear plan to make a date: “Let's get together sometime” or “We should have coffee,” as opposed to “Would you like to have coffee sometime? Noon to two is good for me on most days—what about you?” Or, “I'll text you next Monday morning to set something up” (then text on Monday morning!).

Agreeing when the other dangles a vague line. Better to say nothing or to counter their hazy words with clarity: “I don't seem to be scheduling much time these days for those coffee dates”—or whatever you've got that's true and direct and kind (i.e., not about something wrong with them).

Being vague about details, such as time and place to meet, who will be there, cost, who's buying.

Being vague about whether it's a date (the romantic kind) or not. Note this is no problem if you're curious and open and simply watching to see what's revealed. If you're stressed or feel awkward, ask if it's a date, or say what you think it is, or make a playful comment about the ambiguity—get it out into the open, however you see to do that.

New intention/affirmation: I make clear plans with others or say no to a plan I don't want to make.

Not keeping your word

Forgetting you said you would or wouldn't do something.

Changing your mind without proper renegotiation.

Continuing to tell others or yourself that you'll do what you never do.

New intention/affirmation: I keep my word. I do what I say I'm going to do. My word is golden.

Unnecessary explanations/Overexplaining

Too much information or explanations that go too long or aren't solid (expressed with giggles, funny faces, or tones that imply you're a total flake).

Using explanations to excuse or justify, to protect other people's feelings, to make sure they get you or don't disapprove of you.

New intention/affirmation: I explain only when necessary, only as much as is necessary. I choose how much I explain.

Useless or ongoing apologies

These boil down to apologizing for taking up space or for simply existing. Apologize once, make amends if needed, and then be done with it. Work out between you and you or with a neutral helper any discomfort remaining.

A good apology goes like this:

It's specific about what you did (“I'm sorry I used the word hysterical--that was disrespectful and inaccurate”).
It doesn't include the word if (Don't say, “I'm sorry if I hurt you”).
It asks “How can I make it right?” or offers something specific in compensation.

Any form of groveling is a sure sign you need to get clear with yourself before you take the conversation any further with another.

New intention/affirmation: I know when and how much to apologize. I know when and how to make amends.

Fake laughter

See if you can (kindly) catch yourself laughing for any reason other than thinking something is funny or absurd.

Seek to identify typical discomforts that make you fake-laugh, and be still with those discomforts without putting sounds or more words or gestures to them. Examples of fake-laugh triggers include:

fearing you've said too much or said the wrong thing
wanting not to sound like you were complaining
feeling off about what you just said and worrying they'll think ill of you or disapprove

New intention/affirmation: I laugh freely when genuine laughter grabs me. I'm willing to kindly contain my discomforts and soothe myself.

Forced smiles

A Canadian woman at one of my workshops once told me that sociology textbooks talk about the “American smile” to denote any forced smiling that begins with the mouth—as true smiles are sourced in the eyes.
Any smile is forced whose job is to manipulate how others see you (I'm happy, I'm sweet, I've got it together).

Watch for smiles seeking to take care of others, to make sure they know you like them or see them in a certain way.

New intention/affirmation: I smile effortlessly, when genuine smiling grabs me.

Self-deprecation

Note that self-deprecation in your head is just as depleting and demeaning to you as the spoken version.

There may be times when playful self-deprecation is okay—say, once a year, and when it's not mean. I remember once when I was among a small group of staff talking about oxymorons, and a coworker walking by—a tall, lumbering type—cheerfully threw in, “I feel like an oxymoron most of the time.” We all knew he wasn't an idiot and didn't see himself that way, and it was just funny.

New intention/affirmation: I think and speak well of myself.

Projected self-deprecation

Telling others what they're thinking about you or what they think is wrong with you. They may or may not be thinking this; the point of a projection is that you're the one thinking it, and you're putting it on them:

“You must think my reaction's way over the top.”
“You're going, 'Get me away from this lunatic.'”
“You think this idea's a crock of shit, don't you?”

You may simply ask a direct question that allows another to tell you their thought, thus to speak for themselves.

“Do you think I'm overreacting?”
“Does that sound crazy?”
“What do you think of this idea? Is there a chance it'll work?”

You may want to express the discomfort that's up for you (thus making your process transparent). In this way, you speak your own self-criticism, clearly making it yours:

“Ay, part of me thinks I'm overreacting and part of me thinks I'm totally justified in having a small fit right now.”
“I'm hearing myself rant and I sound like a lunatic.”
“I just got uncomfortable telling you this idea. I know it's kind of radical.”

You can combine the two above, expressing your own thought and discomfort, then asking, “What do you think?” or “Will you give me a reality check?”

New intention/affirmation: I ask others what they think when I'm imagining or wondering about their thoughts. I stay out of their heads or choose to imagine they're thinking benign thoughts.

Presenting as Broken

How much do you identify with—and make sure others know about—the bad things that have happened to you or how broken you are? Stop telling about the time your attorney absconded to Mexico with your retainer and your ex.

This is an especially bad idea at the beginning of a romantic relationship. You're not in your power if you think someone needs to know your harsh lot in life to fall in love with you. I once had a conversation with a strong woman I know during a difficult passage for her. When we got to the topic of being single, she said she wasn't even thinking about finding someone in her current state. She wasn't opposed to feeling weak and vulnerable, but she was clear that the dynamic she wanted to be in with a lover wasn't about a rescuer swooping in to her damsel in distress. Further, this isn't the way she goes through life, so she knew she'd find the right partner—who would get her and support her at her best—if she started something new only from a place of feeling strong and solid with herself.

New intention/affirmation: I present myself as powerful and whole. I connect with others through my strength and beauty.

Weak, troubled greetings

On a smaller scale than the above, in daily chitchat, don't let people know in first greeting or small talk that your back hurts, you got a bad night's sleep, your spouse is mad at you again. Just say hello warmly, and process your problems in times set aside for that.

You might redefine greetings to be about acknowledging another human being with the intention of welcoming them, meeting their face as the face of God, appreciating that you share (or being willing to share) space with them on the planet. I got much more comfortable with the question “How are you?” when I realized I didn't actually need to answer it; nor did I need to feel annoyed that, obviously, the one asking didn't really want to know. Now I just treat it like the American version of Namaste, and there's no stress around it.

New intention/affirmation: I greet others freely and joyfully, honoring that we are one. [If you'd rather greet warmly, or peacefully, or with presence, go with that! Make any of these affirmations all yours.]

(Mindless) focus on what's hard or negative

This could include any number of popular tiresome topics, like weather, money, the economy, traffic, politics, the day of the week, the way people or certain types of people are, and so on.

Notice when you make comments or have conversations in this vein because you think you need to fill in a silence (not worth it—get comfortable with the discomfort of silence instead; try eye-gazing; watch your breath).

Beware of using negativity as a way to connect:

you don't need to force a connection;
know you're already connected;
set an intention for solid and good connection and open to the moments to step into that.

Notice if you're using absolute language that implies it can't be helped or we all agree. “Of course, I had to finish it over the weekend”; “I'm always doing more than I can actually accomplish—aren't we all?”
New intention/affirmation: I live with effortlessness and ease. I look for all that supports me. I am in the flow.

Compulsory answering

Answering a question just because it was asked. I've said this in direct terms to my children any number of times: “You don't have to answer a question just because someone asked it.”

Responding to a comment just to comment back. Silence is fine and in no way needs to be hostile. (Remember eye-gazing!)

Unconsciously giving information you don't even want to give. (Where do you live? What income bracket are you in? What do you think of the new boss?)

New intentions: I speak when it feels right for me to speak.

Puffing yourself up

Overstating your skills, talents, accomplishments, or strong points.

Under this is the fear you're not enough as you are. Remind yourself it's okay not to be everything or the best of the best.

New intention/affirmation: I am not less than others, I am not greater than others. How I find myself to be right now is perfect—or perfectly acceptable for right now.

Seeking validation

“Is this okay?” “Am I okay?” “Am I doing okay?” “How'd I do?” “How am I doing?”

The subtext here is, Do I have the right to think/feel/do this? or Should I be ashamed of myself?

New intention/affirmation: I am in good standing with myself. I have my own approval.

Wrongful responsibility

Taking responsibility for what's not yours or for an entire situation that you couldn't have created all by yourself. “It's all my fault.” “No, it was me.”

New intention/affirmation: I take full responsibility for what's mine.

Overstated gratitude

Underlying this is the idea you don't deserve what was given, you're a burden, or you won't get your needs met if you aren't properly (overly) grateful.

Too much thanking can take various forms, including going on and on in the moment, continually bringing it up at other times, or sending unnecessary follow-up notes, e-mails, texts, or even gifts. (If thanking feels depleting, you're overthanking!)

Feeling and expressing being beholden to another. Instead, receive what's been given fully (this is an event between you and you), then carry on with no awkward invisible string between you and another. If you need to imagine cutting a tie between you and someone you feel indebted to, by all means, do that. If you believe someone gave to you with strings attached, have a conversation about that to clear the slate between you completely or to make a new clear agreement that makes explicit anything either of you still owes the other.

New intention/affirmation: I express appropriate gratitude and feel it fully. I am nourished by my genuine appreciation.

Yes as default

You've probably got a yes default in place if you don't check in with yourself before agreeing to things.

You've definitely got a yes default in place if you say yes when you know or suspect you mean no.

New intention/affirmation: I follow my true yes or no. I check in with myself before I say yes. I am someone who gives the right answer.

Being the seen, not the see-er

Worrying about how others perceive you instead of having your own experience.

Are you the subject or the object in your life? Are you the hero of your journey?

New intention/affirmation: I am the see-er, not the seen. I am the subject of my life. I live with curiosity, connected to my senses, having my own experience.

Comparing yourself to others

Such comparisons are usually focused on how you're lacking or less than, but it serves you no better to look for how you're superior.

Live instead out of a personal-best model, in which you're only ever topping your own best past score.

New intention/affirmation: I keep stepping into the next best version of myself. I release others to their lives, and I release myself to mine. (If you're thinking of a specific human being, use their name or the right pronoun for that one, as in, I release her to her life, and I release myself to mine.)

Being bored and checked-out

Take agency for where you are, what you're doing, and how much you get out of it.

If you don't want to be present, do you need to make a new choice? If you don't think you have choice, are you sure? You might research and engage others in brainstorming (radical) alternatives. If you literally have no choice (not often the case unless you're incarcerated or physically pinned in place somewhere, like the guy in 127 Hours), then choose to harness your power of interpretation instead of going dull.

New intention/affirmation: I am fully present and engaged with life, curious and full of wonder. I am willing to be present to this moment.

Negative self-talk

Any unkind inner (or outer) chatter that's critical and demeaning of yourself, including literally calling yourself names.

Constant predictions of failure or unlikelihood that you'll understand, make it happen, be chosen, do a good (or even decent) job, and so on.

A perpetual focus on all that's not enough or undone, what you've done badly, what you’re not master of, along with failing to celebrate completions, successes, what's good enough, what's good. Consider ending every day in such mental celebrations as you fall asleep.

New intention/affirmation: I address myself with kindness and respect, even inside my own mind.

Focus on right and wrong

This applies to others as well as to yourself: Is this the right thing to do? Is this wrong? Am I wrong? Am I doing this wrong? I did the wrong thing. She’s doing it wrong. He’s wrong.

All the should messages you carry around and deliver to yourself and others (including those mental lectures).

Whenever you feel outraged, incensed, appalled, you might want to see whether you're out of your business (you probably are), and whether there's anything you can actually do about what's upsetting you. (That would be your business, and focusing on that would put you in your power.)

New intention/affirmation: I am as right as I need to be. Others are as right as they need to be. I am accepting of myself and others.

Avoidance and procrastination

Not dealing with things, which includes putting off unpleasant tasks or burying them so that they're forgotten; continually refusing to bring to the fore the thing that keeps tugging at your consciousness from that corner you keep shoving it into.

Avoiding tricky people or situations.

Be someone who doesn't duck into another aisle at the supermarket when someone you didn't want to meet right now is in the one where you were headed.
Meet every face as the face of God, and get the benefit of the muscle that gets strengthened from the encounter. You may need to build the muscle of saying, “I'm not up for chit-chat right now,” or “I'm staying focused on shopping—nice to see you.” (Again, try using plain face to support you in this.)

Failure to address or complete anything that lies unfinished between you and another or between you and you.

New intention/affirmation: I am willing to meet whatever comes my way. I meet every face as the face of God. I face each task that's mine to face in good timing.

Not telling the truth

Besides overt lying, this includes whitewashing, skirting around, omitting.
Don't make it your job to take care of other people's feelings.
Don't manipulate what they think of you.
Let them have their reactions.
New intention/affirmation: I tell the truth. Nothing outside of me affects the truth that comes from inside me.

Disconnection from your body and weak physical stances

Slouching; walking with your head down; unconsciously crossing your legs or arms; rounding your shoulders; standing in an imbalanced or flimsy position, with only one foot planted on the ground.
Note that the best way to address a disembodied experience that keeps you from presence and power is to cultivate a practice that leads to physical awareness. There are any number of paths that can teach you to feel and monitor your own body—yoga, qigong, tai chi, Pilates, dance, various sports, working out. As with everything, good posture and physical balance involve catching yourself where you don't want to be and course-correcting toward what feels better. See if you can catch a slouch without judging yourself, and simply adjust your shoulders and spine.
If you'd like to learn even a little bit more about how you experience and convey power or weakness through how you hold your body, you might begin with Amy Cuddy's TED talk, “Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are.”
New intention/affirmation: I am solid in my body. My physical carriage reflects my increasing alignment with personal power.

More than anything, I invite you not to use the power zappers to foster self-criticism or to beat yourself up. This would take your sense of personal power in the wrong direction! Use them to assist you in a kind process of moving from the level of personal power you have right now (at any given now moment) toward a level that represents what you'd like better. There's no problem in anything you see in yourself if you're willing to witness it with the compassionate, dispassionate witness, and start scooching.

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