Getting Out of Right vs. Wrong

I used to have fun making Q-and-A posts in advice-column style in Ithaca's online Wishing Well magazine, which no longer exists. Here's one of those posts. Since writing it, I've begun to talk in terms of checking in for what feels on and what feels off instead of going for right or wrong. I find that on/off test much more authentic, self-referential, and ultimately effective for an individual to locate what feels right to her or him. My clients who've experienced a sort of tyrannical relationship with right/wrong find tremendous relief in switching to an on/off focus. Beyond this tweak from the present moment, I love the content of what follows from a past writing. The question comes from a then-client. 



Dear Jaya,
I just learned of an event coming up that I'm really excited about, because it would allow me to get information and make contacts related to a new creative project I have going. The problem is, it's happening during a work-related event I'm semi-expected to show up for, and that I've already agreed to attend. That event I'm not excited about at all, especially because someone from my office will be there who I had a brief involvement with, and it's messy for me to be around him. I always get all involved with who he's flirting with and what he's paying attention to and make myself pretty miserable. I guess I really think I should go there instead of running away from what's not comfortable to do this other thing. Do you see something I don't see?
Wanting to Do the Right Thing


Dear Right Thing,
Don't know why, but I still find it amazing how unkind we are to ourselves. You're telling me that door number one makes your heart sing and door number two brings up any amount of misery. Do you need more guidance than that about what the heart-centered decision would be?

It's good to pause and notice the concepts we're adhering to that keep us from our clarity--that keep us from hearing the simple directions that come from the heart. You've got this idea going that you'd somehow be running away from something if you went where you want to go, and that this running away is inherently bad. Check out for yourself what this means to you.

If you run away, it means--what? You're irresponsible? Going for Easy Street? Not doing your inner work? Get very clear about what you're accusing yourself of, and consider whether it's actually true.When you hold onto this unquestioned concept in the name of doing the right thing, you end up lying to yourself and making dishonest decisions that don't serve anyone.

There isn't some absolute truth in the idea that it's always the right thing not to run away. Do you have kids? Imagine any number of situations they might describe to you now or in the future that would inspire you to say, with no hesitation or apology, "Honey, run the other way as fast as you can!"

You're telling me that you lose your center around this guy who'll be at the office affair; you get jealous and disconnected. Good job: You're onto yourself. You're clear and honest about what you do around him. So why would you put yourself there, ever? If you need a test, life will provide it. Don't set up random tests (booby traps!) for yourself. Go for what's kind and allows you to thrive.

Try this: instead of worrying about what you're running away from, consider what you're moving toward. An opportunity to learn and connect related to a project that lights you up? Not bad.

About the prior commitment. I love (love) the concept of keeping our word. I also know that part of integrity is to renegotiate when we find we've committed to the wrong thing, and to let others know of a change of mind as soon as we can once we know it ourselves. How important, really, is this commitment? Sounds to me ("I'm semi-expected to show up") like there's some wiggle room here. And if everyone else will be there, they can likely get by without you.

So how about this for an inner check-in? Drop your concepts of right versus wrong, and running away to what's exciting versus staying put where it's miserable, and simply ask yourself:

• What do I really want to do?
• What feeds me?
• Where can I best be of service to others?
• What lines up with my most heartfelt current intentions?

Have fun, whichever event you go for. Get behind your choice 100 percent and show up fully present. As in any other moment, this evening will be your chance to meet every face as the face of God, to receive all that feeds and supports you, to give all that you're there to offer others. Don't miss it.

Love & blessings, Jaya

Self-Directed Retreat for women

There's still some space for a few women to join us the first weekend in November (2-4) for whatever you need to do, undo, or not do during this (take a breath) Truly Unusual Self-Scheduled Self-Directed Personal-Agenda Silent-and-Talking Retreat Opportunity for Women (with Support Available) at Beautiful Light on the Hill. This costs the least of any retreat I've done or will do, because I'm just charging you what the retreat center charges for an individual room and delicious vegetarian meals from Friday dinner through Sunday lunch.

We'll have a skeletal structure for the group to follow with ample opportunities for going with your own flow and responding to your own needs and inner directives, all with a clear intention you've created before the retreat begins. (I can help with that if you need guidance.) The option for dance/expressive movement on Friday and Saturday nights with Laura Beck is a particularly appealing part of the retreat for most participants. More energy will blow in on Saturday morning with Susan Rausch coming to take interested participants outdoors for connecting to the earth and to their own awareness and sensory perceptions.

Find more information and directions for how to register on the events page of my website. You may also want to check out Light on the Hill's website if you've never been to their beautiful space in Van Etten, New York. Finally, feel free to simply call (607.339.9714) or write ([email protected]) with questions or to sign up.



Curious about Coaching?
I offer a free 60-minute exploration session. I'll leave you with plenty to think about and the possibility of stepping into new perspectives that move you toward peace, personal empowerment, and greater trust in life. To schedule this session, simply follow this link: http://www.jayathetrustcoach.com/consultation-contact.html



My most popular Facebook post in the past month:
If a door seems to slam in your face, give double thanks. Phew--wrong door, and you almost went through!

Second most popular:
As long as you send out those tentacles to test for what others think of you, you cannot be fully free to hold your highest vision for your life and move consistently in that direction. What they think has no bearing (none) on your chances for living in ever more graceful alignment. Pull those tentacles back in as quickly as you catch them probing outward.

Third most popular:
Hold the vision and trust the process--especially when you're overwhelmed. Don't give way to paralysis when too much needs to be done. Do one small thing (one part toward the whole) with an open heart. This creates lightness where you feel heavy. Stay with me: treat the one thing as a vote for what you're creating; consider it a symbolic act; think of it as the microcosm or hologram--the part that stands for, even contains, the whole. When you keep repeating the story of overwhelm, you're crushing yourself with your own words. I've found again and again that when I take some small action and stay open, the way opens up for more to happen than I thought possible. Hold the vision, trust the process, take one action.


Come visit Jaya the Trust Coach on Facebook anytime. It's a public page, so you don't need a Facebook account to read the inspirational reminder of the day.